Way Too Late Pt 3

[1313]

Journalaminating.
UGh. I can assume this will go on a long, long time. 30+ years is hard to deprogram.

I've been so out of it - so wrapped up in having to get together a resume and portfolio and keep my Mother alive - I missed the cherry blossoms. This is a big part of my life here - and it just whisked by.

A 60 year old pulling together 20 year old designs is depressing beyond belief. Seriously. This is like "cutting edge music" and whipping out hooty and the blowfish or nirvana. I think that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don't want to find a job, I'm doing it for support until I get my act together for a license. But seriously, I left this industry. It's as shallow as any other performance art - you're expected to be young and beautiful. Now I'm a figure for pity. It hurts, a lot. The WW knows what she's doing. All my friends in the industry got out and got cushy teaching jobs. No more 19 hour, 13 cups of coffee chain smoking days, with every 8th Sunday off for good behavior. I laughed. Now who's laughing?

She's personally responsible for me losing my own firm back in the 90's. Yeah, it comes out. I've still been protecting her. But she screwed me, and caused my partners to get pissed and implement a shotgun buyout clause - effectively killing themselves as well. The firm survived barely 2 more years.

If say, my WW died all of a sudden, I'd be doing other things. But she won't give me that option. I'm an entrepreneur, and cannot survive at a "job". It's been this way for as long as I've known her.

So, I'm in line at the store, seeing daffodils in bunches, which I always used to buy her in the spring. The time to shoot them in the back yard is now. Everything I love for myself has been taken away as well. How does she manage to keep me from GAL? But she's done a great job.

Snap out of it 13, snap out of it. I had a friend try to slap me around today - he tried. It's like I'm watching a movie of myself.

I'm trying to improve myself, but I'm not who I am. I'm not sure who I am anymore. Everything I'm doing is fake. On paper it looks great, but I'm not feeling it. I'm going through the motions.

I paced the floor from 1am to 4:30 this morning.

I've disconnected, I don't communicate, gone dark, changed everything I can - and I just feel a huge, great vacuum. Maybe I just need for it to all be over. I so don't want it, but I can't live with this anvil hanging over my head.

Easter's looking to be properly depressing as well. Hopefully God's going to slap me around in Church tomorrow, I could use it.