Not so stuck anymore

[Raine]

Thank you so much for your comments and support job, kml, CaliGuy, ForeverYoung, and Beatrice! It means a lot.

job: This time around is actually way easier than the first time. It is harder on the oldest two boys, because they are older now, and it doesn’t make sense to them, but I am a lot stronger now than I was then. I’m not crying or angry or having negative emotions in front of them or when I’m alone either. I feel at peace about it. I’m not pregnant with a 1, 5 and 7 year old. I’m in a much better place to handle everything myself. And honestly, I have been expecting it for the past year. This wasn’t a shock. I could see it coming and it’s a feeling of relief to not have to be living with someone with major depression. My focus is on taking care of the kids, myself and being healthy, especially getting enough sleep, which has not happened for a long time.

kml: It’s pretty sad for them to so easily lose sight of what they have. All the nights he would spend telling me he couldn’t live without me, that he would never lose me again, he was so lost without me. That he was so sorry for everything. The best parts were how much he just adored me and how much fun we had being together. I imagine it is so hard to remember those things when one is depressed. I am at peace knowing that I did everything I could and that I can look the kids in the eye and know I fought as hard as I possibly could for their dad. I would go through it all again, because that is worth it. But now it’s completely up to him if he is going to get him and work through his issues.

Yes, I do have concerns about him being suicidal. I don’t think he would. I think he is too scared to actually go through with it. I am pretty sure he would reach out to me first.

I’m really not worried about the money. Even at his worse, he was always making sure me and the kids were taken care of. He never has been one to care about the money. I fully realize that could change, but tbh, I make more than he does. I don’t need his money to provide a great life for me and the kids. Right now I just don’t want to take on one more thing. I feel good that I’ll know when the time is right.

I’m very happy for you and how things have turned out and that you have a guy who treats you as you should be treated

Cali: I’m so sorry to hear that your wife ran back in the hole too. I don’t think until we are closer to this side of things that we realize Divorce Busting never was for our marriage or for them, it was always for us. I really like who I am. I couldn’t say that before, but I know that I’m a better person and mom because of this.

Hey FY, thank you so much. I’m glad to see you’re still here and holding strong. I’ve always admired you and all the work you’ve done.

Bea: I think this time around it’s far easier to see that I didn’t cause this. I’m fully willing to accept I’m not perfect and have many flaws, but I know I didn’t break him. A guy who walks out the door forever without even saying goodbye after 16 years and 4 kids is broken in every sense of the word, no matter how much we think we should take responsibility for something. Stepping away and trying not to fix him is far more difficult for me. I can see now how there are so many things he was never taught growing up. No one taught him to ride a bike, tie his shoes, money management, yard work…actually work of any kind, car maintenance, house maintenance, time management, nothing. No one taught him how to be a man and be responsible. Anything he did, he did on his own, and he very much seems stuck in those years where he should have started to learn these things.

I hope he figures himself out. I hope he has a great relationship with his sons. I don’t hope that we’ll get back together. He needs ongoing weekly counseling and medication and I don’t know if he’ll ever do that for himself. I’m so far beyond him at this point, he would have to work extremely hard to catch up.

My husband also has a very skewed view of reality. Like he can come over, help me with my projects, be there for the kids, be best friends, just responsible for anything. Not working on a relationship. Even the thought of that makes me feel used.

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Things are going good. Every time I see him, he asks for a hug, a won’t let go hug, and then squeeze my hand and lingers with tears in his eyes. He talks to me non-stop about everything. Never asks about details about me. He asks how I am, but that’s the limit of it. He brings his laundry to do here. I asked him if he has a washer and dryer at his apt and he said yes, but he doesn’t like it, but he’ll stop using mine so he will stops bugging me. He won’t shower at his apt because it’s gross. He showers at work. He talks about how gross his roommates are and how no one cleans up after themselves. He won’t eat there either and he always mentions how little he is eating or if he is eating at all.

He will be gone for over two weeks in April and once he gets back from that, if he hasn’t already, I’ll tell him he needs to get his own place so he can take the kids there during his time.

I’m heading out for an Easter egg hunt here in a moment and the kids are super excited about this. 3 years ago I asked H to come with me to this, and he did. I didn’t ask this time. He can do his own thing with the kids if he wants to. But I haven’t heard anything from him today, even though this should be his weekend. I haven’t asked him to do anything since he left, nor will I.