Diary of an HD Monster

[NotATLDave]

WED AFTERNOON AGAIN:
You know, I should stop beating myself up so bad. I seem to always take responsibility and the blame for everything. I've asked W what qualities I can change in myself and she has always told me "nothing, I love you just the way you are". Either way, she's causing trouble.

I just got done googling on behavior modification shrinks and hypnotherapists. I've always wanted to fix my chatterbox tendencies.

I wonder how many people here simply annoy the sh!t out of their non-confrontational spouses?

[Tim2point0]

I think it has to do with the fact that my W does not prioritize "alone time together" or schedule them. Once again, I guess I just realized how disinterested she is in spending time with me.

Whoa, Dave, I'm having a weird "me, too" moment here! That is one of our major problems... it goes way beyond the sex thing. I can't even get on her priority list at all. For anything. We NEVER go out. Well, almost never. The last movie we saw out was "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Can't remember the one before that. Dining out is just a waste. We just look at each other and make small talk. Mostly about the kids. If we were given a free weekend at an exotic hotel, that would also be a waste.

However, when you said:

...must be one irritating a-hole. Maybe my reality is that my W can't stand to spend time with me...

you lost me. That is such self-deprecating whiny crap, I don't even want to hear it. You know better, as evidenced by your second post. Yes, the constant sh!t they put us through really does a number on our self-worth, but by realizing that, we can re-program our own thoughts to avoid thinking of ourselves as worthless turds. You know I'm right. Realize that the lack of desire to talk and be with you is yet another facet of this problem we're all facing. When a marriage is sick, it's sick on many levels. That's what makes it so frustrating... trying to decide what to work on first.

I think the first order of business, is to work on ourselves, NOT "to improve ourselves so W will be more interested", but "to improve ourselves so WE will feel better about ourselves." And MAYBE a side-effect will be an improved M. Maybe not... but either way, we'll be feeling better about ourselves, and better able to make better life decisions.

[honeypot]

Tim,
This was an EXCELLENT post. I am going to have to reference it again.

I too am guilty of the "worthless turd" feeling creeping over me. You are so right. I need to kick this type of thinking to the curb and replace it with behaviors that are more likely to get me closer to my goal.

Thanks!

[Tim2point0]

Thanks, HP. I have been guilty of it myself, in the past, which is why I was able to recognize it for what it was, and post with such conviction. Whatever W thinks of me, I will not allow it to lead to self-defeating and self-destructive thoughts. There's a lot I can't control about my sitch, but I CAN at least control my own thoughts. I might whine about how lonely I am, and how unloved I feel, and even about how I find it hard to relate to others on an up-beat level as a result, but I will never allow myself to beat myself up over it. Yes, I have CONTRIBUTED to my present sitch, and it is healthy to own up to that and work at correcting my own mistakes, but this did NOT arise because I am not worthy of having a great marriage to a loving wife. My W is married to an attractive, interesting, generous and devoted man, who loves her more than life itself. If she can't see that, it's HER problem...

[NotATLDave]

We were invited to a wedding. My W is running around trying to find a babysitter and looking to buy a dinner jacket that will work with my tux (yes, I own one...not bad for a t-shirt and flip-flop, software engineer). Anyway. I just went down stairs for dinner and then said, "gee, it would be great if we a had a regular baby-sitter for regular nights out together". She said "and it would be great if I had a magic lamp...if you really want to find a baby sitter, then find one yourself". My response was (in a very nice tone) "I know you are really busy with the house and if you don't want to handle the social life, then I don't mind being in charge of it". Daughter came in at the point and the conversation was dropped. See the priority difference? Is she still operating under our old "independent" habits? I guess she hasn't reconnected with me on the romantic level yet. I guess Mars, Venus and the moon aren't in proper alignment along with the wrong humidity outside, combined with the fact that our dog barked today.

I could barely make it through dinner and couldn't finish it. I opted to be excused for a "time out". She just thinks I'm really tired because I told her so. I didn't want to upset her.

Question...
Do I even tell her why I am upset? Or do I just shut up, find a baby sitter, and play the cruise director role in the marriage? It comes back to the concept of "what makes a marriage a marriage". Dates, intimacy and sex are what define a marriage as a marriage. Everything else is the business of roommates and business partners. If she would offer to facilitate a non-obligatory date night, that would be synonymous with "initiating" because it shows that she cares about the "warm" sides of being married. Of the times we've had sitters so we could go to a party, I've asked if we could leave early or skip the party and have a nice night out on the town. She always says no. Confronting her on this will only stress her out and I've been trying to minimize this.

Oh man, I'm dying. I just want to go to sleep.

btw tim. thanks for the kick in the ass. It only took me about 5 minutes to see my pity party so to feel better, I called a hypnosis center to see if "chattiness" is something they could help out with. Not even sure if this is the issue but it is something I've always wanted to improve. I just hate dealing with these BS shrinks. I'm hoping the hypno will work much better.

[Tim2point0]

Do I even tell her why I am upset? Or do I just shut up, find a baby sitter, and play the cruise director role in the marriage?

I think you need to think a bit about specifically why you're upset. The quote above seems to indicate you would resent always having to plan evenings out, but previous to that, you said:

My response was (in a very nice tone) "I know you are really busy with the house and if you don't want to handle the social life, then I don't mind being in charge of it".

so which is it? Sounds to me like the real problem is the same one I have... W will NOT enjoy herself on a night out with me no matter WHAT. She just doesn't seem to know what to do on a date. She used to... a VERY long time ago. OTOH, maybe it was just that I was too busy enjoying myself to realize that she was just along for the ride...

If we could go out and have a great time together, I would be THRILLED to have the job of planning it. I would plan evenings like that till I dropped!

[NotATLDave]

I CHOOSE DENIAL!!!

[NotATLDave]

WED 11 PM

You guys. I'm not sure what to do. I really want to go back into the bedroom, wake her up and just go ballistic. I guess I'm an idiot but the last 3 times she's taken a bath at night we ML afterwards. She came up to take a bath so I started to get excited. I came up and showered off, cleaned up, brushed my teeth. I got in bed and waited. She had fallen asleep in the tub, came back into the bed, laid down right next to me completely under the covers. I'm still thinking that she's about to perk up and engage me. So I coyly asked "hey, whatcha doin' down there". She replied "sleeping".

God this makes me so frustrated. How can she forget so quickly that our marriage is hanging in the balance. How can she prioritize this marriage into the garbage can. I approached the subject of the baby sitter again and she gave me all these excuses why it is so hard to find one and that I have to find one that our D likes etc. etc. I (again) dropped the subject. The truth is that when she's motivated to find childcare, she finds it. It's one thing to hope for an improved sex life. It's another thing to try to respect a spouse who is blissfully living in the world of false harmony. A person who tells me to "just be happy...it's a choice". It's BS. I've been doing that for the past 10 years. How else have we stayed married this long. Now that we need to rekindle the marriage, we cannot have false-harmony...it's a veneer over a rotten foundation.

I'm so furious right now. I'm sure if I approached her, she would start asking for examples so she could argue each one of them. I really don't care what her arguments are. Her actions speak volumes.

PLEASE HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO. I AM REALLY HATING THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO KEEP QUIET ALL THE TIME AND BE PATIENT.

[luvhubby]

PLEASE HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO. I AM REALLY HATING THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO KEEP QUIET ALL THE TIME AND BE PATIENT.

AD,

No you don't have to keep quiet all the time but you know very well RIGHT NOW is not the time to discuss it or it will end up in one big huge argument which takes you nowhere. Cool it man and discuss things again when you are in a better frame of mind. Your W too is not going to be very receptive to any discussion right now. Choose a better time and the results will be different.

Best of luck.
LH

[NotATLDave]

I've actually cooled down a bunch. Can anyone help me with what to say and how to say it? Or is this excessive pressure on the spouse. What I'm having a hard time with isn't the lack of sex tonight (though I wouldn't even be in this state if we had ML). but this whole lack of commitment. In her mind, I'm sure she "feels" committed but her actions don't indicate it. How in the hell do I talk to her? Should I wait and see if she initiates tomorrow? She still might be fearful of catching the stomach virus I had a couple days ago which would be an appropriate excuse for tonight. I really hope I can wait until tomorrow night.