Now what?/ One Day at a Time

[ciluzen]

Hey Mel,

Good job just riding those waves and validating. You really never do know what H your going to get from day to day in MLC. My guy used to be my rock, which is probably why I let myself get so dependent on him.

Just keep your knees bent, weight centered and prepare for the sudden drop or jolt (and the occasional lurking shark). You are doing an awesome job, just remember to enjoy the sun on your face and the smell of the ocean while you surf this MLC ocean.

[melweb]

HaWho, you are so right. Why LET myself be dragged into it?

Good question indeed. Yet, I DID. Wed convo started with him asking me if I was going to be ok with the separation. Um, No.
Then he launched into the marriage has been bad for years (it started with 10, then 15, now its up to 18), and then he fully immersed himself into a pity party, how hes a depressed, drunk loser--blah blah. I listened and validated for 45 min to an hour. I then had to leave the room. When I come back, I am not even sure what he said, but I lost it, sobbing hysterically. I cannot even tell you what I said, but he finally says "You just made my decision. I am not leaving"

But hang to your hat, cuz H has decided to use his Super MLC Powers to not just jump back on the fence, but ignore it altogether. (What fence? I don't need no stinking fence!)

Yesterday, on our way to the gym (around 4:00) he talks of the future. moving into the city, getting house on the water etc.
After dinner (around 6:00) he is already back pedaling, "there is no guarantee, its risky, not feeling the passion that he needs, wants to be BFFs" I am telling you, he would drive me drink, if I didn't already!!

Today, he is in his room, depressed, and he knows it. Says he is in a funk. We are suppose to have date night but that was planned on Wednesday when he loved me. We shall see. I have decided if he cancels, I am headed to one of those movies I want to see!!

[2Times2Many]

We do have to develop a tough outer skin, don't we?

It is so hard to understand their minds. He wants to be apart so he can miss you, but he's staying at the house in his own bed and you'll have coffee, dinner, and dates. It's so illogical.

It looks like your H is hopping all over the place. It seems like he's very confused. It's so hard to just sit and watch them go through the torment of basically being pulled in two directions. Hang in there.

Hope you enjoy the movie. Isn't it great to choose a movie without having to negotiate?

[melweb]

So H managed to go on " date" night with me. I think that is a misnomer, but I don't know what else to call it. There are moments when he acts like its downright painful to be sitting there with me. Conversation was good, no R talk. ( We get along fine as long as R talk stays off the table!!) He did ask me if I want to go with him to a friends house in May, 7 hours away. I said yes, but as we all know, he could change his mind by then, or tomorrow. Or in the next second!!

I have plenty of stuff planned for me today. Gym, tan, church, some baking, and getting to a movie. In that order!!

[melweb]

Had a great GAL day!! Did everything I said I was going to do. Go me!!

H very depressed today. He actually took a sleeping pill at 9 AM!!! I know he is not sleeping very well at night and he has been drinking quite a bit, but jeepers! He got up around 2 to go to gym, we had dinner around 5 and he is in bed already. Its 6:30PM!! This from the man who just 2 months ago, insisted he would not spend his life in his room, that he wanted to be happy and have fun, no matter the cost (which included our M.) He has passed on some invites, that also 2 months ago, he would have jumped on.

We have been here before. It doesn't make it easier.

[HaWho]

Did he ever do the whole going out 'til all hours routine? I know some of them don't but rather wallow.

[melweb]

Hw--He has not done that while home, but he has mentioned that while away on biz trips (when he is with his friends/co workers) there have been some pretty late nights, and mornings filled with dry heaving and a hangover. At home he just stays in his room and watches tv and sleeps.

H is on biz trip this week. Not sure if he has a "side trip" planned or not. It would be easy to do, but I am trying so hard not to dwell on that!!

Kiddos are on Spring Break this week, so I have some stuff planned with them. Retail therapy here I come. On the lookout for floral heels :>

[melweb]

Any one have any idea how to validate when H is in full-on pity party mode?

H pulled back this weekend, depressed and distant. He left for biz trip early so no good byes, etc. Did not hear from him all day. Par for the course when he's pouting. Anyhow, he just initiated text-- hows things, hows dog. Then tells me "You're sexy." Wait... What!? No idea where that came from. Says he loves me, but he struggles. I respond I love him too, and I know he struggles. Then he asks what I could want with a short, chubby, depressed, selfish guy like him?
Seriously... How do you validate that. And its the third time hes asked.

[Sotto]

Hi Melweb, my take is he's trying to make sure you are just where he wants you to be, so he can carry on trysts with OW safe in the assurance you are right there waiting for him.

I would engage with him far less on stuff like this and I would drop the ILYs - maybe just saying Thank you H if he says ILY. To the short, chubby comments - perhaps something lighter like - well, go figure! Or maybe nothing at all. TBH, I think the not coming to Mexico may have rattled him a little. It may be best to stick to kids and business and not participate in his 'will you reassure me, you're there waiting while I continue with my A?.' Convos...

But if he's saying this stuff and still has OW on the go, he's trying to cake eat IMHO and I wouldn't entertain it. But do wait for other opinions as I'm no expert really!

X

[job]

I have to agree w/Sotto. He wants to make sure that you do not move from the spot where he left you. He wants reassurances from you that you are not going to stray and leave him w/the short end of the stick, i.e., Plan B, if things don't work out in his fantasy life.

When he has those self pity parties, don't tell him that you love him. That gives him the green light to continue on as he has been and knows that you are still there waiting on him. Instead, when he asks what you could want w/a short chubby, depressed selfish guy like him...tell him you have to think about that for a while and will get back to him. That will get him thinking as to what you mean. It's not being cruel to say this because you've already validated this question many times over.

Try to keep the conversations to mundane things, like the dog, children, finances, etc. He's a confused puppy and most likely would love to have a piece of cake, i.e., kibbles to keep him going along the way. Take the cake and kibbles away and see how he reacts/responds when he discovers that you aren't where he left you.

Just my two cents.