Almost convinced myself today that I should just go file. This process [censored]. I can honestly say that every time I see her, I seem to care about her less. That scares me. I still love the "US" in my mind, but i am not sure if that part of her will ever return.
Boxing up her stuff, I found some old photos of us. She was a completely different person just two years ago. I look at her now and I see someone totally different. I can't describe it, but I see sadness. I found old letters that she had written to me, but never gave me. I saw her thoughts, and it was confusing. She has for so long, even before I was in the picture felt misunderstood. She felt alone and lost in her mind. I think anxiety and depression have always plagued her. Iknow I am not perfect, but I am being blamed for something that has been there for a long time.
I saw a portal to the past, where she was struggling with being a mom, wife, adult and trying to do something about it but it doesn't reflect what i remember in reality. it was a surreal experience to find these letters. She used to say that I didn't communicate my feelings, but i see she was hiding so much about hers. I wish she would have given me the notes she wrote me (good ones, apologies, angry ones). I wish she would have told me the way my actions made her feel both happy and sad, And not just the things i was doing "Wrong". I as a man am not the best at expressing how I feel. As the husband, I thought that i should be stability and confidence. To shield her from the struggles and not express my fears. We got pregnant early and in our early days we struggled with $$, life etc. I didn't want her to know that things were tough. i didn't want to burden her with the things I felt were my responsibility, my burden to carry.
It is weird to see that her issues have plagued her for so long, and i am the scapegoat. Not perfect, but she had a lot of baggage. She also really isn't anywhere close to the anger that I see so many WW expressing. I think it is guilt masking it. No ILYBNILWY to date. No I never loved you, no I never should have xxx. Really nothing.
We had the "Talk" with kids to explain her new apt. She said mommy and daddy argue and mommy needed a place so that she wasn't so "Frowny". She said, mommy needed a place for. "a little while". When asked when she would come home, she just didn't answer the question directly and answered another posed my child.
This is probably the 5th week in a row that she told me she was going to file, and still nothing.
I guess I just continue to DB to the best of my abilities and learn to do it better. I read the threads of other DB'ers who have been here before and i wonder, "once a WW, always a WW?"
