Quote: "it's just a matter of deciding to be happy".
As a shallow proverb, it's pretty silly. But you know, at another level, there really is something to deciding to be happy. One of the most famous psychological researchers is Martin Seligman, who has studied hopelessness, depression, and taking control of one's life for many years. His most famous experiment is one in which dogs were randomly shocked no matter what they do - if such a dog is given a task to perform, it will lie down and wimper.
Now, many years later, he has written several books that survey the literature on depression and hopelessness, and techniques for overcoming them. ("He" refers to Seligman, not the dog.)
I have read two books by him, "Learned Helplessness", which is largely based on his studies of dogs, and a much more recent book called "Learned Optimism : How to Change Your Mind and Your Life". As the Amazon review says,
Quote: Pessimists believe that bad events are their fault, will last a long time, and undermine everything. They feel helpless and may sink into depression, which is epidemic today, especially among youths. Optimists, on the other hand, believe that defeat is a temporary setback or a challenge--it doesn't knock them down. "Pessimism is escapable," asserts Seligman, by learning a new set of cognitive skills that will enable you to take charge, resist depression, and make yourself feel better and accomplish more.
And wallowing in negative thoughts really will make you grumpier, less able to take charge of your life. There's a lot of extremely good research on that question.
I highly recommend Learned Optimism in general. For HDs, there's very direct application of some of the most basic points. It suggests that we try to avoid self-blame, hopelessness, and overgeneralizing the bad.
1. Do you believe that the lack of sex in your marriage is "your fault"? If there are things to change, it's important to set positive goals and move forward, but without getting stuck wallowing in self-blame.
2. Do you believe that sexlessness is a long-term problem that will never change? Well, for some of us realistically, it may not ever change, or it may take a long time, and it's important to live in the real world. I have to say that 12 years of LD followed by 6 of ND is pretty overwhelming, and not likely to change overnight. But if I'm unwilling to have hope, I can guarantee that nothing will change in a positive direction.
3. Do you believe that the lack of sex poisons everything in your life and in your marriage? There's a strong tendency for some of us to conclude that if the sex is bad, that's automatically a litmus that everything about the marriage is bad, when it may mean merely that the sex is bad. It's important to be open to all the things that are good about the marriage, and not just dwell on the things that are bad. And there really are other things in life that are rewarding and fulfilling in addition to sex. It's important to pay attention to the rest of life from time to time!
At any rate, this is really a book that must be read to be understood, and I don't know if I'm doing a good job of representing it here, but I know it helped pull me out of depression when I was thinking of our sexlessness as a global condemnation of me as a husband, a permanent and damning condition that showed that everything else in my life was a sham.
I hope this makes sense and isn't too preachy...but a positive attitude really can be very helpful, and it's most important when it's hardest.
