Need Help

[Lostman]

About a month ago, my wife told me that she isn't sure if she loves me anymore. It's been an eye opening and awful month.

She has been involved in an EA that turned into a PA.

We have been married 8 years and have 3 daughters. The first daughter is from her first marriage and is 11. Our other girls are 3 and 2.

First, I need to admit that in the last month I have done a lot of soul searching and understand that our marriage is not healthy and I have done nothing to help it. I was too guarded and was not emotionally available to her. She basically had to beg me for attention. Through seeing a therapist and truly seeking answers, I have come to understand that I have let my fear and insecurities control my behavior and negatively effect all of the relationships in my life. I allowed these insecurities to alter my thinking to the extent that I didn't even do what I wanted to in life. I find my wife to be a beautiful woman and I am very attracted to her, but she would have to beg me for attention. I would text her constantly if she was out with girlfriends because I needed to know that I was on her mind. I did not have any idea how controlling my behavior was and how unloving it was. I am now starting to understand much of this.

In admitting my own issues and understanding the problems that I cause in our marriage, I am not condoning an EA or PA on her part. Her actions were wrong and have only added to the problems we face.

I have done just about EVERYTHING wrong in the last month. I cried to her, promised change, begged for forgiveness, given ultimatums about the affair, looked for more evidence of the affair, told her all the reasons our marriage could work, etc.

She has not said she wants a divorce, but has clearly said she doesn't know what she wants and that I have caused a lot of hurt for her. She has also said that she will stop talking to the OM while we try to work on us, however, I think she just said that to make me feel better.

We just signed a year long lease for a new apartment, but she has said she doesn't really know whats going to happen and has talked about separation. She has stated that she cannot survive without me (financially) but that she doesn't want that to be the reason we stay together.

I offered to move out of our bedroom and into our guest room, but she didn't want that. Some nights I have held her in bed (I would never cuddle at all prior to this month) and other nights we might as well not be in the same house. I know that I feel these things now and it hurts me to know that she has felt those things for a long time because of my own distance.

We are still having some sex but it's different. There are times that it is very robotic and others where it is more passion filled and just enjoyable. I know that it's probably only different to me because I am now paying attention, but I can definitely feel when she is not into it.

We went out on a "date" last night and had a great time. Very little relationship talk and just had some fun. She said a few things to get under my skin I think, but I refrained from taking the bait.

She wants to go out again tonight with the kids along with her best friend.

I am very afraid of losing her because I truly do love her. I am sad that it took this experience for me to accept how much I do love her and want to be completely open to her. I am scared that it is too little, too late.

I am buying the DR book today because I know that I have to work on me. I am struggling with snooping, jealousy, and neediness.

I want to forgive her for the affair and start to move on in a healthier way for me. I know that even if it is too late for our marriage, I can't let this eat at me forever. I have to get off the anxiety roller coaster.