Dude, I did it before I saw your reply. My wife has a cute little rule regarding "feeling bad". She says that we (D5 and I) should ask for a hug or put ourselves in "time out".
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Just curious, why do LD have to learn to feel and like sex? This is something that is hard for me to fathom.
Well, I can only speak for myself. I come from one of those religious backgrounds of "don't touch, don't look, don't even think about it". The problem was, it wasn't explained that sex in M is great and expected to be that way. Sooooooo, after a while of getting that message, you tend to turn it off. And you know the old saying, if you don't use it you lose it. Bingo! We have a winner. Now fast forward to marriage. It's a bit hard to do a 180 from nope to oh baby!, after all, you haven't needed it before so what's the big deal? So I needed the time to unlearn my past. With life, kids, and whatever demanding my time, it's easier to just drop back into that don't need it period of time.
Did this make any sense? Sorry, didn't sleep well last night and I'm losing it.
That is excellent advice. I will use that next time. Wow. That's the first gem I've seen here in a long time.
In our sitch, it's nothing to do with "harshness" when we communicate. It's simply about me not be "smily" and "happy" all the time. She poked her finger on my forehead and said "it's just a matter of deciding to be happy".
Isn't she sweet as pie?
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: "it's just a matter of deciding to be happy".
I've heard that one before, and i think CeMar said that he has too. Maybe my W of the iron will can do it, but being HD in an SSM and having had depression even before SSM made it worse does not make it easy to 'decide' to be happy.
Well, we're now N-1 (normal minus 1 day). W missed the weekend session but due to our travel, I let her off the hook for Sun PM. I'm not sure if LM tomorrow is going to count for a midweek or last weekend. Ideally, she will ML tomorrow, then again on Thurs, then on the weekend to catch up. Yah right, wouldn't that be nice. Nope. I'm just going sit on my hands and take it.
How do you enforce boundaries? I can't exactly punish her for missing it. If I become a pill, she will want to be with me less. EEEK!! THIS IS IT!!!! THE CORE OF MY ANGER. IT'S TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT I'M POWERLESS. How do you regain power? How do you express your disappointment without pissing your partner off? Every time I get into this quandary, I begin to think that the only way to have an PA outside the M. What else can we do? They hold the sex over our head...playing with it like it's a doggie treat that they avoid giving to us until the last minute. What can we hold over their heads? The security of the R? A denial of the tiny drop of love juice that it takes to fill their cup? Oh man this sucks. I might need to go back to my Screaming Room again and just let it out.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I've felt this way (powerless) before...and often. Now, I'm at the point where I am almost convinced that I will never have sex with her again. So, I act very confident, make my choices, and, when I do something that used to make me think "Oh my, she might withhold sex from me as punishment" I say this instead: "What's she going to do to punish me? Cut me off?" It makes me smile, and sometimes even chuckle.
It's not that I've become Mr. Unloveable. I'm still a good guy, I do my chores, enjoy spending time with my kids, and even enjoy spending time with my W. I just feel more relaxed doing what I want to do because, what's she going to do? Cut me off?
That's a good point and might be a good way to look at it. When you say you don't think you'll ever get any nookie from your wife, is that a "mindset" or a "reality"?.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Mindset or reality? It's my current reality, of course, and has been since September 2003. There is still a glimmer of hope for the future, but, since she just needs the littlest of excuses to be "not in the mood" and since I am usually the source of those excuses because of some little thing I did, I guess it's more of a mindset.
Mindset: I look at her and think "roommate. business partner. fellow parent." I still love her, I just don't let her take advantage of me as much as she used to.
Sounds like my life for the past 8 years with the exception of me contributing to the R. My contribution just started a few months ago when W decided to bring back the nookie.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
