KGirl, Thanks so much for your post. I have been following along closely with your thread and I can say I have been going through the same feelings post break-up as you and I most certainly feel your pain and wish neither of us had it. I admit, he is on my mind about 23 hours of the day. I play it over an dover in my head obsessively. But this time, not so much what I did wrong. I 100% did what I should have done. I do not doubt I had to tell him either we move forward, he also becomes a part of my life, or we need tocease contact. Like a mutual friend had said, I just need to be ready for the fallout if he choses not to give me what I need. I did this at a point where I was ready for the fallout. Only problem is, I have been having such a hard time, because according to his words, I had strong hope this wouldn't have been the outcome. I figured after a little thinking, if his words were true, it would be a no brainer to work together to move forward. But it wasn't. Words mean nothing without action. So I've not been replaying in my head what I did wrong. I did right. But what I fight with was is I am as a person, (who I am actually finally pretty good with) not worth it to him? Am I not lovable as I am? But I know I am. For the right guy I will be. But that's what the replay is. I could not have done anything differently. He pretty much said as much himself. He would have been content with me just taking what he could give. He was happy with that. It was me who needed more. Not because I am selfish, but because I loved him.
I am also having a hard time with going cold turkey. It's exactly what I needed to do, but as in anything, there is a true withdrawl period. Cold turkey was me. He wanted to stay connected. I couldn't. I also struggle with all these things in this cold turkey time I still feel like I have to say. But what's the point? he knows how I feel. He knows what happened. he made his choice. With my exH, I let him know every freakin angry and hurt feeling that came into my head. Made him dislike me more. So I started keeping a journal where I write what I want to say to him. Kind of weird, maybe, but it also helps me make that time the time he can be on my mind, to free up the space in my head at other times. I do often wonder if he thinks of me as I think of him. Probably not. D8 brought him up yesterday. She still misses him. Doesn't like to tell me because she doesn't want to make me sad.
Time will heal. I will end up seeing him again as we have mutual friends. Hopefully by that time I'll be in a good place with all of this.
Positives of the day: I'm getting a lot of money back in taxes and I got a letter saying I made the President's list at my University! WooHoo!
