Hi Raine - I hardly ever come here any more, but I happened to visit today and saw your post. What can I say?
For the most part, the people who come here are strong resilient people who helped to keep a damaged afloat for a long time. It took me a long time to fully see this. I read, and believed a lot of stuff posted, about our contribution to the breakdown. If that means were we perfect, - of course not. But this wasn't something we could fix, because in most cases we weren't the broken one.
I absolutely agree we need to look deep within but we do that to get through it all.
If they had developed the coping skills to negotiate life on their own they wouldn't have ended up in crisis.
Having said that, the crisis was a long time a-coming, and it takes a long time to resolve (if it ever is).
I am deeply suspicious of anyone whose partner wants to come home after a year or two - it doesn't usually resolve that quickly. Many of us here have been burned by a false dawn. But we are right to try and save our marriages. And the skills we develop are awesome.
Do they ever work through it? Some do. I personally know one success story, but it took 7 years and a divorce. That woman was exceptional in every way, and I do not think I could begin to do what she did.
Some partially work through it and build another life. They 'sort of' get what happened, but cannot really face it.
I don't write this to discourage anyone - it is normal to try and work on a long and happy marriage, and it is always possible that they will eventually get the help they need. I have no regrets about the amount of time and emotional effort I put into trying to save my marriage. In that I failed, but I found myself, and a renewed capacity for love. I believe that my xh respects me now, and recognises that he has issues, but doesn't want to deal with them. That is his choice.
