No End in Sight

[CaliGuy]

Concerning that thought you have about being alone. I have those too, thing about that is yeah maybe we will be alone, maybe not... You do get to a place where it's a touch scary... The unknown, you feel numb and question how the F did I end up here, then you realize it's not all on you, sure you could have been better here and there... You work on those things you can to improve yourself for you... Not to win the WAS back but because you finally start to look more at what you can do to improve and less on the WAS whom you finally realize you have no control over.
You get to a point where it's not that you want to be alone, but you need to be alone, time to properly heal, time to become a heathy individual who is able to have a healthy relationship should it present its self, other wise you are doomed to repeat this bad dream you are in.... This is regardless if its with another or your WAS wakes up... This is the time to become strong enough to never allow this to happen again
Use this time , it truly is a gift .... I know early on no one wants to hear it but it's the Rock Solid Truth

[TimR]

Thanks caliguy!

Yes and no. I just think it was a long time that I was alone before I met WW. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am not the easiest person to become friends with. I am quiet which I think rubs people the wrong way. I get a lot of that I am snobby but really I am not. I am just someone who does not really talk unless I have something to say, I do not BS well. Add that to the fact that I do not do many social activities, I live in a rural area, am picky, that kind of means I will have very very limited opportunities and then I do not pick up on vibes from people so that lowers it even more. I just think am not going to find anyone.

[TimR]

Don't get me wrong I am thinking I am ok with that. I want a relationship some time and not throwing a pity party just being a realist.

[Vanilla]

Enjoy your children in every wonderful precious moment.

V

[TimR]

Thanks V I will!

So, I just got done with my IC appointment today. He told me I sound as though I am through the shock, denial, bargaining phases and have moved to acceptance. Hooray me! That makes me what.... a junior in the whole break up school?? Idk. But I am in good spirits.

I told him yeah I have accepted that my M is dead, nothing I can do, so it is what it is. He cautioned that in the past he has seen that when the pursuer moves on and the pursued realizes it, the pursued can become the pursuer. I told him I read all about that and have discussed it on the message boards (BTW he likes me being on here). I explained why I cannot tell you I would not consider R if it was approached but when I looking back on it I have these issues...
1. My marriage was on life support to start. I was talking about MC after the honeymoon. My WW was sleeping on the couch. IT WAS NOT A FULFILLING M. Would I want to take that risk again??
2. She cheated on me for months. She lied to me for months. She never did come clean. In fact she threatened S if he told me OM was there I would never see S again.
3. She was willing to hurt her own kids in order to get at me.
4. I bent over backwards to make her happy and in the end she turned it all around on me and acted like it was my fault. Yes I had fault in my sitch but not like what she claimed.

In the end how could I respect or love her. Worse yet while people could change, that WW would always be in there, clawing to get out. I told him considering her relationship resume maybe our M was the mask and WW is actually the real person!

He told me I am really thinking in good healthy terms although he does not have the answers to those questions and I possibly never will.

I told him I am aware there will be good and bad days and that is ok. I have made it through the worst and I can take some sad panicky days... better than sad panicky months!

Then he warned there will still be anger. He told me as the healing progresses the ego will come back and have its say. I told him I thought I was out of the anger portion and he said no it will come though. In an attempt to help with it he told me to not think of it as what she did to me but that I tried what I could to save my M. I think about what Priest said to me... "forgiveness is no longer letting the action hold power over you." I guess when those days come I will have to think back on those words.

So this is me... TimR rebooted. I am going running sometime with new friend and we have discussed dating. BEFORE you all chime in to tell me what a BAD IDEA that is let me tell you the talk was we are not ready to date but being friends could be a start, regardless there are still issues that need to be considered and resolved before any of that happens. But just a run would be good... for now, maybe forever.

[CWOL]

Great insight, Tim. I see a lot of my situation in yours. Hopefully I will gain enlightenment soon, as my days are at their darkest ever as my WW is trying to extract every last penny from me before she leaves my house.

[Sparkls]

I've found that even the bad days, it's not a soul sucking sadness, more of just an empty feeling. And I can deal with that, at least today.

One day at a time, Tim. We don't know how these journeys will end.

[TimR]

Thanks CWOL and Sparkls. I doing really well, I am excited, I am ready for a new journey. This new journey may be alone or it may be with someone. I am certain there will be depression here and there and there will be anger here and there but I am ascending from purgatory to something different. I am going on an adventure, some parts will be hard some will be easy and who knows what the end will hold but its about the journey anyway. Is far as WW is concerned... Well I don't know. I never thought I would pine for someone who hurt me so bad but so if she came back tomorrow I would like to say I would send her back to the trailer park (and possibly pray for a tornado) but you never know until you are in the sitch, so I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

[CaliGuy]

Ok
Yeah... Here comes some 2x4s because I care and I believe you need one.

So... You have another person now who is ears and willing to be your shoulder, totally get it and yeah I've been there. Here is the deal... What have you fixed, how have you grown? According to your timeline you are leaving a M that was what a whole 3 years and came here to DB it and now you've inserted a 3rd party... So are you done? Are you really trying to save the M at this point... Were you ever really all in? I ask this not trying to be an a$$ bit to really get you to ask yourself where you are and what you really want... Makes no difference to me TBH but from this point forward what you want and where's you are headed is important to how you "DB" from here .... You can't save a M if you are gonna insert a 3rd party just as a WAS can't commit to a M with a OP

Questions you must answer before moving forward .... All in or all out the choice is all yours

[Vanilla]

For me Tim until I am D there is no way I can date.

I want a wonderful someone and that wonderful someone is not going to want a confusion unput together partner.

I never want second or third best.

Rebound is off the menu.

I haven't even got to angry yet!

V