It seemed that in a moment of clarity I saw our societies marital problems from an outside view. Almost like God let me see things from his perspective. And at the root of the issues was individualism. We are now so bent on individual desires, expectations, and new aged outlooks.
I was shown that it started to fall apart when middle class got wealthy enough to have houses for each generation and technology shrank the world. Gone were the days of 3 generations sharing a house, and extended family living together as a family. Gone were the small communities in which we each had a role to play, in which we all shared the same friends, neighbors, and social circles. In short, gone were the days in which you were 'stuck' with what you got.
The new days are those of getting ours. From online shopping to online movies to online dating. It's all out there, and why shouldn't we have it?
And just in case any of you are still with me, I'll lose my audience now by saying that all of our 'standards' and ideas of how we 'deserve to be treated' are more of the same. I see things like "I shouldn't settle for someone that doesn't love me like I love them", or "I must respect myself to not allow myself to be treated like this or that". Everyone has their own twist on how a relationship ought to be, and as a result people are perpetually destroying the fabric of their families.
I don't have a family anymore. My parents are divorced, in other states, and living their own lives. My brother and sisters have moved all over the country and world. My in laws never took me in, not like in the old days when we might literally share a house and become a new family...now we don't speak anymore. XW and I are no longer speaking unless functionally for the children.
And my children...the family that makes me feel so grounded...they will move out shortly and scatter across the globe to pursue their own concept of life soon enough. Sure they'll keep in touch. But they won't be learning the family trade and working side by side like 100 years ago. Their lives will be going different directions.
So in my dream, I saw all of this but much more clearly, and I saw that relationships were going extinct. Not real, permanent, relationships that persevere through years and tragedy. But simply short term co-habiting that inevitably ends with a diagnosis of one's spouse and a trite declaration of our entitlements.
The hell of it is I'm not an exception to this. I am caught in this culture too. I too don't want to settle, or end up with something less than what the Jones's have according to the latest blog. I don't want to be trapped in a sexless marriage with a passive aggressive woman that shows disdain for me because I am not the same as her dad was to her mom, and so I too may not remarry because why should I? I don't need to partner up to raise children or pay my bills. Since the relationship I want isn't out there, why would I settle for a temporary partnership that ends with someone asking why they should settle?
Oh, I know, some people will say 'there's someone out there that is this, or that is that'. No, there isn't. That's the story our society keeps telling ourselves as we continue to click the next online dating profile looking for our winning lottery ticket. The fact is that everyone is a winning lottery ticket if we could learn that the grass is greener where we water it, and that it's better to accept what we have than get what we feel we deserve.
I woke up and was ok with all of this. The world is different. Times are definitely changing. Doesn't mean that the connections we have aren't still real. Doesn't mean that the 5 year relationships we have don't still have some meaning. And in the end it will all be washed away. And there are some upsides. What we lose, the shared history of someone you grow old with and that will be there with you until death...that is replaced with the convenience of not having stress and conflict in our lives. And of having the perpetual hope that our self growth and wisdom and new aged perspective will somehow reward us with what we crave, when truly we no longer have the character we need to even take what we crave and what has been in front of us all along. But we will be entertained by netflix, and we will have nice speakers in our satellite radios, and we will have online friends to comfort each other about our depression.
Thank you DB family. You are as much of a family as exists anymore. I could begrudge the loss. Or I can celebrate that you are there at all.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
