Your situation sounds similar to mine. Do you let go and walk away and start a fresh or do you try and build a friendship and see where it leads. Having you close by but in a new dynamic will suit your w as she can have you as support when she needs it without the pressure of having to cater to your needs.
I have 2 young D and my w is happy for me to see them anytime to maintain a "family" environment. I want her back but the problem is that this could become normal and never develop further. Something has to give.
When my w left me 5 years ago, she started dating other guys and I was always there to pick up the pieces. I visited the house 3 times a week and even went on "dates" with her as friends. It was only when I decided to move on and date myself and her realizing that her life wasn't that great and there was a chance she would loose her support, that she almost immediately decided she wanted to give the M another try.
I think it's a fine balance that only you can determine as you know her. I would suggest going on family days out but only focus on your daughter. Maybe compliment your w when you first meet up and then show her the fun, happy Dad. That's my opinion right now but obviously I am in the same sitch and trying to figure out new techniques before throwing in the towel.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
The frustrating thing is feeling like I am healing and then I am right back in the depression and anxiety. I hear what Sandi says and on the one hand, letting her face the consequences of her decisions is a good thing. On the other, going NC would seem to kill any chances for rebuilding the connection. Sometimes the wall comes downn and we interact in a good way. Hard to know if it is temp checking or genuine. My situation is a little different in that she really is resolved that we are "done". There is no conversation unless we have to talk and she never gives any indication that she cares about me one bit. If I never talked to her again, she seems fine with that.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
The frustrating thing is feeling like I am healing and then I am right back in the depression and anxiety. I hear what Sandi says and on the one hand, letting her face the consequences of her decisions is a good thing. On the other, going NC would seem to kill any chances for rebuilding the connection. Sometimes the wall comes downn and we interact in a good way. Hard to know if it is temp checking or genuine. My situation is a little different in that she really is resolved that we are "done". There is no conversation unless we have to talk and she never gives any indication that she cares about me one bit. If I never talked to her again, she seems fine with that.
Hey Flight. That is a lot of mind reading there. Don't go down that path. It's not good for you and doesn't help (I did the same thing).
I felt the same way about my WW. She seemed fine with never talking to me again. I thought she really was 'done' as well. She made it clear, she said it over and over. Now I am not sure. Drop that rope and use the time you have.
My sitch seems like a mix in that I HAVE done things to hurt her as Sandi said. So it is a combination of her feeling slighted in the marriage and then becomming delusional with her fantasy land created in the affair.
She went on this crazy feeling sorry for herself rant about how she is afraid of me. I could overpower her if I wanted. She needs to move so she can feel safe again. I could picture her swooning in a 1920's silent film with the line, "I wonder how long after I am on my own before I will feel secure again". I was dumbfounded. Painting me to be an abuser now! And all this because she tried to rip papers out of my hand that I had taken back from a table. I won the tug of war and she said she broke 2 nails. That *I* broke her nails. I supposed the folder could press charges against one or both of us. That was the only victim I saw in this.
I am so tired of the delusional fantasy she is creating. To what end? To tell people so what she is doing seems justified? To create an abuse narative in case she needs to extract something from me? To get a rise out of me and see if I bite? This seems to me like when those soccer players take a fall to try and get the ref to give the other guy a penalty.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Why are you still concerning yourself with her narrative? Every WW needs to create a narrative to combat the cognitive dissonance created by their awful actions. What bearing does it have on you? Can she sue you for breaking two nails? I know it is hurtful to have your feelings and intentions misconstrued, but you are spinning your wheels if you think you can change her narrative. Even worse, if you react to this narrative, you run the risk of being manipulated by it or lending credibility to it. Work on being the best Flight instead of worrying what she thinks of you. My $.02
She is still very cold and quiet. I am taking it that she is needing space and afraid to interact rather than being out and out mean. Still, it is difficult having to be around each other with the tension in the air. I will probably talk with her this week about how to be a little more cordial, especially around our child until she leaves. It is hard because it seemed like we were having a glimmer of hope there until this event.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
In general, I have decided that who I am with regard to my core values is a loving person. Therefore, I am trying to do the loving thing while still respecting my boundaries. I won't put up with crap, but I am going to be kind to her and loving from a distance. I will still let her live the consequences of her actions by not helping her, but I won't fight with her or go no contace right now. She should find a place in a week or two and then leave when her house closes unless there is some miracle reawakening. Still trying to find that balance of being nice, but not chasing her or being a doormat. Maybe the key is how I would treat that nice, yet annoying neighbor who you are polite to, offer a smile, but try to get away before they rope you into a long conversation.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
In general, I have decided that who I am with regard to my core values is a loving person. Therefore, I am trying to do the loving thing while still respecting my boundaries. I won't put up with crap, but I am going to be kind to her and loving from a distance. I will still let her live the consequences of her actions by not helping her, but I won't fight with her or go no contace right now. She should find a place in a week or two and then leave when her house closes unless there is some miracle reawakening. Still trying to find that balance of being nice, but not chasing her or being a doormat. Maybe the key is how I would treat that nice, yet annoying neighbor who you are polite to, offer a smile, but try to get away before they rope you into a long conversation.
Hi Flight, I'm in pretty much the same situation as you, might be a few weeks behind you. I saw you were on a different forum as well. What do you think has worked with what you are doing, and what didn't work and set you back throughout the process? I think t will help guide my approach to my WW as well.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
What didn't work was trying to nice her back. I didn't set boundaries I should have and she took advantage of it. I also spied on her and made her feel "unsafe" by her having to look over her shoulder and it keeping her from being with the OM. I also got in relationship discussions and she pushed my buttons and it started arguments.
What worked was getting my own life and being nice, but not being available. Letting her come to me. All the way up to the separation agreement we were getting along because we weren't arguing and I was being reasonable and acting like I was ready to move on. There were two ways I could have gone those many months ago. GAL and pull back and ignore what she is doing, or lawyered up and had her served. Either might have worked better.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
