* 18 years married * Separated twice before and reconciled * This time October, I screwed up and said I want a D * 2 grown older kids (previous widow sitch) * 2 kids by me (teenaged daughters) * November she got her own apartment * To keep the peace, 16 year old with me and 13 with her
Here's where the real problems happen:
When she moved out, we were both emotionally paralyzed and were mostly done. Neither of us knew if we were really going to divorce this time, but the 1 year clock for the separation started November 15th 2015. We talked and I said, "Let's take the time to see what happens. If nothing improves or you still want the divorce at the end of the year, then we'll divorce. In the mean time, no one dates! If either of us want to start dating, we talk about it first." We both agreed and she left the house.
PROBLEM - we moved 700 miles down south years ago. She had friends from high school living 2 hours away - also down south here. They were high school sweethearts and married over 30+ years with 2 daughters of their own. October 30th 2015 the wife was driving home (I think she was texting or something) and was in a head on collision. The people in the other car survived, but the OM's wife instantly died. My wife lost her husband to cancer when she was only 27 years old. She knows what it's like to lose a spouse and wanted to help the husband in his dark time. I truly believe she was only there in support.
Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but recently I learned how I've been emotionally disconnected from her on and off over the years. I'm a great H, just wasn't bonding with her or the daughters emotionally like I should have. She comforts OM who is in crisis, and he talks and listens to her who is very lonely. BAM!!!
I went back to the old phone bill (she now has her own cell line) and see that the were talking and texting everyday in December. That's only a month after his wife died!!! Who does that???? They were having sex and in a relationship by Christmas - less then 2 months?
Her Grandma died last summer and she was heading way up north to get some furniture from her house before the big sale at the end of January 2016. My W goes up with OM his 15 year old daughter, and 3 of our daughters because he had a truck and trailer. One big group of "friends" on a road trip. That's when I snapped out of my funk and thought, WTF? They have to be just friends!?!? There's no way this would happen so quickly in 3 months, go public, and have all the teenagers and extended family around. My W and OM went to the same high school and I reasoned that he's just heading up to see HIS family. I told my very bright and loyal to her daddy 16 year old daughter that this has to be nothing, but keep your eyes open for anything suspicious.
2 days later W comes into the house (didn't know it at the time - wearing a Harley Davidson shirt) got her mail and dogs (I even agreed to dog sit) and left with a cold attitude. My daughter and I sat down and she told me that they got to OM's house the night before and spent the night. They made all the girls go into town for pizza and were gone an hour. The 16 told me that mom had wet hair and changed into OM's Harley shirt. She thought they just did it, but wasn't sure. I knew exactly what happened.
Next day I went over to W's apartment and confronted her. She admitted it. Like - "Sorry, but oh well." Also, "You need to get on with your life and I'm not going to stop seeing him." Cold as artic air... I got up without showing and emotions and just walked out.
I've been a mess since February 1st~ and she knows I've been crying and sad because me kids talk.
16 is beyond repair about this and she doesn't car (see Sandi's Rules). She spends more time and energy in creating a wonderful sitch with OM's daughters and doesn't care about her own. His had a big problem at first, but quickly accepted this BS! I'm finding out now, my 13 likes the guy and she covers for my W!!!
She's been leaving town 75% of her weekends for his place. They publicly support each other on their inspirational FaceBook posts. Are you kidding me?????
Reading the Sandi's Rules helped me to understand what Love Drug induced spell my W is currently in. My fear is that this isn't just an A, but actually building a full relationship so that they both have their butts covered when our D is official Nov 15th 2016.
I wrote her a hand written letter about understanding and respecting her feelings and her pain that I unknowingly caused her over the years by emotionally neglecting her. God knows if she even read it. 2 days later she went right up to OM's house for another overnighter.
Now I'm through the worst of my suffering though I still see her in my dreams and nightmares occasionally. I'm working on not being a H, but a strong confident man. This is so easy for me with the world, but very, very difficult with the woman I love hurting me so deeply.
I've got 8 months before time runs out legally. Tick Tock and he's got her attention. Her and I don't even talk. I wrote her a text last week saying, "Sorry if I'm being a little difficult with you lately (short tempered), but the pain of all this is killing me. Bare with me while I grieve the loss of our marriage."
She's all business lately and short with me until that text. Her response was gushing...
"Thank you for understanding, you should know it wasn't easy for me either, but I know that in this process, we will both come out happier. Take as much time as you want and thank you for setting me free, I will always love you for that. Sorry we didn't work out, but surely the perfect one is out there for you."
To normal people, that would be the last nail in the coffin... and it could still be. However, after reading all of Sandi's Rules, this is very typical of a woman on an emotional high who is having an affair.
I'm 44 and don't need a whole lot of sympathy. I need help and guidance... I'm re-reading DB and working my plan.
QUESTIONS -
I apparently detached during our marriage, detached during the first couple of months in the separation, spent 1.5 months trying to get her attention back in a dignified way, and now starting to detach again with GAL. I have done great things with rebuilding my relationships with all 3 daughters, but no progress with the W. She's still seeing OM. What the hell to do? I'm hoping he's hasn't properly dealt with the grieving process over his wife, and my W will snap out of the honeymoon phase soon. I know most of the time infidelity is a "Deal Breaker", but when you truly love someone you can work through anything.
Thank you for reading this and helping a loving Husband and Father find his way through this... with or without the best thing that ever happened to me... my wife!
