I'm not sure what's going on inside me but I'm feeling really down. I just talked to W about it because I dwelled on her comment that she made last night. She said that her love for me actually is conditional upon me not being grumpy. The problem is that I'm having an extremely hard time not being grumpy because my dad is in the final stages of a terminal illness. We have tickets to visit him in 2 weeks from now but that might be too late. Also, my job has been really weird too. Compound this with the fact that I re-opened my heart up to try to have a good relationship with my W, only to feel like I'm taking shotgun blasts to the heart now. In the past, when I was ED, I didn't feel anything. I know I've indicated progress on her part but it's going slow and I'm having a difficult time being patient.
I think I made the biggest mistake any of us here can make. I made it sound like this is might be a "phase" I'm going through...at least it might have gotten read that way. What I really meant was that my dad and job are putting me into this funk where I need alot more love than what I defined.
Anyway, last week, I was out of town all week and got back home Friday. She had gone on a girls weekend before I got home. When she got home last night, she was wiped out. Missing a midweek LM and having a weekend LM session due, along with last Sundays "coerced", lackluster LM session has me really feeling edgy.
I sometimes think that she assumes that LM is a "pacifier" to me. What she doesn't seem to understand is that it's other purpose is to fuel my love for her. She said her love is conditional upon me being "happy". Well guess what babe? My love is conditional too. You know, whoever invented the term "unconditional love" in reference to anything other than a child was full of sh!t.
Sorry. I'm venting. I'm extremely upset. I really feel like going downstairs, pulling her upstairs and having her just hold me for about an hour.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
