Sounds like you keep doing things so he notices, or you do things for yourself, but also for him.
Detaching means you're walking to the beat of your OWN drum. His drums have no effect on you. From your posts, he still has great effect on you.
He's still with OW, you're going to need to find the strength to start walking your own walk.
Find the reasons to do this for YOU. for your kids. And let his chips fall where they may. Your life is precious. Rise up, flip the switch to ON permanently. Never let the switch go off. Make those changes you can now, and plan for changes in the future. SWITCH UP!
You can do this, Red. Please don't continue to give him control over your ship. Steer your ship.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I have a hunch that you'll feel much better after a week of teaching. You can do this! Every day HAS to start with 'I can do this!' personal affirmation. Smile, dress well, head up!
You can control your attitude and demeanor. The effort you put into your life, your job, your kids. Don't lift off the throttle.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
So much happen for you and I am glad somethings are positive stuff. Like your job, the CNA test.
About the D, I think it is not a bad idea to wait a bit, since you main goal is some kind of reconciliation at some point. Here in CO, the whole income, job situation plays a great portion to determine alimony.
In my D, what the court was looking to achieve was that 1st - both individuals will have the meanings to maintain a life and that means they look into his income, your income, years of marriage, how many children, your age, his age, with who the children will stay for most of the time, even your education level plays in determine who gets what. 2nd - it's very important for the court to know that details of the case, in a paper situation they won't mention the way this marriage is being terminated, but depending on a judge (like the lady I had) they will want to know why the divorce is happening.
In my D, I paid a good amount of money, I hold a good L and of course there are some rules that my XH couldn't get a L in the same area.
I went into all details and made calculations of what would be my best and worst scenarios. I also went in survival mode, as my S15 used to say. I made a list of non perishable items and started buying and stocking them. It was like some savings account because I planned I would have those items for about six months or longer after the D and that was money in my pocket.
I know how hard is to think like this and much harder is to know the need to think like this when the truth is that you do not even want it in the first place. From all what I regret, one thing I don't is that I did my own D and clear my situation and my own life. But it is not easy.
Red, take from someone that did most of what you are doing regarding letting your H play his game. It is a losing situation. I still don't get why they behave so jerk like, but they do. Maybe it is because their own insecurities, guilty. But the reality is that the longer you allow such behavior from H and don't stand firm and decisive, the longer he will play your feelings.
When I read your posts, I see a lot of myself in there. I actually feel sad looking back and thinking that I did so many wrongs allowing H to play with me so many times. Your H is being disrespectful with you and your kids and that is the main frame for yourself to put a stop on his control.
Many times I did allow things to happen because of my own guilt on the destruction of my M, and I did things thinking that my H would just turn around and see that I was a good fit for him and that we could have a chance to be a nice family again.
What I was thinking was not all wrong, but what I was doing was to allow my H to play his game so I would have him one more time close to me, it was one more chance to fish him back.
My XH is just changing things in his life after I got real with myself and put an end to all the crazy stuff about coming and going, visits, no boundaries, kisses, hugs, sex. It was very hard for me to just let go. But after I finally stood up for myself, that is when his A went to hell, that is when he decide to clean himself from drugs, that's when he decide to follow his faith and get some help there.
My XH has a long way to go with himself and his recovery, but was only when I said enough, that he start looking at himself and what he did to his family.
I don't know if your H will ever comeback to you. Some do and some don't. As a matter of fact, I think that most don't. That you should be hopeless, NO, definitely not, you may be one lucky story and rebuild your family with your H. But for that to happen, you need to let go first.
In all of this there is one thing that stands out for me... you are a brilliant young woman that is doing the best she can in the face of so much. What your H and the scam bag did to you is very ugly and mean, no one deserves it, and yet you are getting stronger and more confident. Way to go beautiful.
It was hard for me, but I am finally thinking about myself and what life should be for myself. I finally understand that I am the one to respect and value myself, if I don't do this, then no one will ever do.
Pink- I have not broken any boundaries lately. No hugs, no kisses, no hanging out..nothing. I kinda have accepted the whole divorce thing and just trying to embrace it and do that best that I can.
V- He only ignored me for a day, he isn't angry or pushing buttons right now, just contacting me a lot more then he usually does. He calls or texts me asking why I'm ignoring him but that's mostly it. I'm not ignoring him just trying to be no contact.
Todays Update: Went to H's partner and good friend and his wife's house. We had a pool party, I made them and their kids dinner and brought it, it was a good time. I wore a cute suit and looked great.It was just their family and mine.
I was happy, loving, sweet. They said I looked good, looked happy. Gave me a present for losing weight. Gift card to my favorite store.
Didn't tell H my plans- None of his business. He called a few times, left a few vm and texts looking for me but my phone was on silent. He called my mom and my mom told him where I was. He called his partner so I talked to him. He just wants to know if I was mad, ignoring him, okay, stranded, safe etc. He was worried since I was mia for so long with the kids. I was only mia for a few hours lol.
I talked to him for a few, answered a few of his questions he asked and went on with my day. He called again to talk to the kids on his way to work, so I let him talk to them when he was driving to work. I spent 8-9 hours with my friends and then left to come home.
His friend gave him a couple truth darts tonight about calling and checking on me when it was his decision to leave.They are closer then me and H so he can say whatever he wants. Plus H did call his phone to find me so he knows his partner and wife know.
That was my day. I am sunburned now though so..ouchies.
H came over to visit the kids, brought my favorite drink from the store, complimented my outfit, said he missed my cooking and asked if he could take some of the dinner I had cooked for the kids to work- I just shrugged since I'm not mean enough to say no you can't but I didn't say yes. He said thank you for letting him have some. Tried giving me a hug but he only got to hug me from behind because I won't hug him and when he does I tell him to get off. Said he would be back tomorrow..so we will see. I don't believe he is coming until he shows up. Gave me my child support money. Pretty much all that happened today.
Red, sounds like he's having the doubts just like my W did. Keep playing it cool, and expect him to go back and forth. Good luck, my friend! Patience. It doesn't turn around quickly, as I'm finding out.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Nygal- Yeah idk what his deal is.. I have kinda embraced-excepted the whole divorce situation so I think that it's helping me. I'm not crying or thinking of him much anymore.
Rouky- I think I am doing good. I'm pretty happy. 90% happy 10% miserable. Better then the other way around.
