Here goes nothin'....

[Melo]

Very true Sandi, I just feel like I will be able to somehow show her that I'm trustworthy the more transparent I am

[vise82]

Hey melo,

As for your kids, and W actions, figure out now how to act in that situation so that if it happens again you have a plan. I agree with protecting the kids from that behavior.

I am not sure why you helped buy the car, if your separated in a Separation agreement the assets will have to be split up, you will have to sell the car and get you off the car loan. I imagine though W has not talked about a separation agreement yet?

If not you are going to have to master the ideas of boundaries and setting them and enforcing the consequences of W breaking them..

With in house separation and no parenting plan, who looks after the kids is up in the air. You need to plan on activities for yourself to be out of the house so your W does not just only leave you to look after the kids when she is gone, you need to balance it out. Its called GAL activities.

The other thing you are going to have trouble with is finances. She will spend your money like you are not separated. You need to have your own money to spend how you want. Also it was hard for me but you need to go see a lawyer just to get the fear of that out of the way.

keep posting.

[Melo]

Thank you for the perspective Vise, I definitely need to plan on how I' m going to react the next time WW has a tantrum, I think it will help me get some respect. The W hasn't mentioned any kind of seperation agreement, she only keeps repeating that she wants to be alone with the kids. She hasn't really faced the reality of what that means financially or emotionally for the kids.
I got the car with her to help her see that things are better with me than without me (she also always mentions that we never had anything, so I guess it's my way to 180 that).
I am starting to see the importance of GAL outside the home (I thought I was GAL inside the home, but now I see that it was just desperation) my W told me I should have done that a long time ago and it might have made a difference, but now she's not so sure. Up to now I haven't gone anywhere except for the gym and Church. I am planning on just leaving without telling her like she does to me. Surprise B!@T#!
I am terrified of getting a lawyer, it makes me feel like I am getting closer to a D by even going to one. She has talked to a lawyer already. She was ready for a D and I think she has been walking it back a bit-she is saying we will just "see what happens"...
I am also terrified of living in seperate houses, I was talking to a divorced friend of mine who told me that I would just have to do what she wants because she is so adamant about it. My chest started hurting after that. I am clsely following the living after in home S thread to help me prepare.
I have been covering almost all of the bills and have started stashing away some money just in case and I am looking at getting a part time job to make ends meet.
Thank you so much for the ideas!

[vise82]

Hey melo,

I see my W in yours. I got the we never have anything speech and I got the I am not where I want to be with the big house and vacations speech. Its not a very attractive to hear that.

I am saying this with hope that you will change your mind, go see the lawyer.

What she is asking is not a marriage. There is a process that needs to be followed and you have rights. To know them you talk to a lawyer. If you don't have a separation agreement you will need to express boundaries and ways to enforce them. She cant just get up and go live with the kids. You can stash all the money you want but W is entitled to half of it. Just keep that in mind.

[CWOL]

Melo,
Don't be afraid to go talk to a lawyer. They typically won't charge you for the first consultation. You should interview three of them first anyway and make sure you have a good fit, even if it's for later.

You need to know your rights and be prepared financially if D is on the horizon. Knowledge is powerful, don't run away from it.

[Melo]

Yeah, thanks guys I guess I am just in denial. I will start checking with lawyers just to see.
Vise, my wife does have a point though, we really never got anything, we lived in a CRAPPY apartment in a really crappy part of town and never really bought furniture or anything. She put up with that for 7 years. I can't put all the blame on her. I do think that it's disproportionate to how she's treating me though. Lots of things I would do different in retrospect.

[Melo]

Went to the movies last night with ghe fam. Had a good time, some laughs, the kids enjoyed it. Put the kids to bed and talked for about an hour afterwards. She went upstairs and said goodnight. I never thought the little things would mean so much. I know, I will have no expectations. Hell, last night she got back to the house at 11:30pm and went straight upstairs without saying a word.
Tonight I have plans of having a few beers with a friend of mine, and tomorrow I will go and play some pool.

[Melo]

I meant night before last that she came at 11:30 and went upstairs without a word.

[Melo]

I was just thinking how us newcomers are really seeking out lots of success stories and really we just want to know success stories where there is R. Which is because we want to stop the short term pain we are going through, which is ironically similar to the motivation the WAS has when leaving. The long term health, both mental and physical should be the real measure of success and that is independent of the MR.

[CWOL]

Very true.
There are probably lots of variables that are not presentable in text on a forum that is happening behind the scenes. Those are the things that contribute to R or D in the end. Yet it's human nature to continually seek out the silver bullet to solve our urgent problem.