No End in Sight

[TimR]

Thanks V I will!

So, I just got done with my IC appointment today. He told me I sound as though I am through the shock, denial, bargaining phases and have moved to acceptance. Hooray me! That makes me what.... a junior in the whole break up school?? Idk. But I am in good spirits.

I told him yeah I have accepted that my M is dead, nothing I can do, so it is what it is. He cautioned that in the past he has seen that when the pursuer moves on and the pursued realizes it, the pursued can become the pursuer. I told him I read all about that and have discussed it on the message boards (BTW he likes me being on here). I explained why I cannot tell you I would not consider R if it was approached but when I looking back on it I have these issues...
1. My marriage was on life support to start. I was talking about MC after the honeymoon. My WW was sleeping on the couch. IT WAS NOT A FULFILLING M. Would I want to take that risk again??
2. She cheated on me for months. She lied to me for months. She never did come clean. In fact she threatened S if he told me OM was there I would never see S again.
3. She was willing to hurt her own kids in order to get at me.
4. I bent over backwards to make her happy and in the end she turned it all around on me and acted like it was my fault. Yes I had fault in my sitch but not like what she claimed.

In the end how could I respect or love her. Worse yet while people could change, that WW would always be in there, clawing to get out. I told him considering her relationship resume maybe our M was the mask and WW is actually the real person!

He told me I am really thinking in good healthy terms although he does not have the answers to those questions and I possibly never will.

I told him I am aware there will be good and bad days and that is ok. I have made it through the worst and I can take some sad panicky days... better than sad panicky months!

Then he warned there will still be anger. He told me as the healing progresses the ego will come back and have its say. I told him I thought I was out of the anger portion and he said no it will come though. In an attempt to help with it he told me to not think of it as what she did to me but that I tried what I could to save my M. I think about what Priest said to me... "forgiveness is no longer letting the action hold power over you." I guess when those days come I will have to think back on those words.

So this is me... TimR rebooted. I am going running sometime with new friend and we have discussed dating. BEFORE you all chime in to tell me what a BAD IDEA that is let me tell you the talk was we are not ready to date but being friends could be a start, regardless there are still issues that need to be considered and resolved before any of that happens. But just a run would be good... for now, maybe forever.