Maybell XXXVIII: Settling In

[Maybell]

I've had a low-grade cold all week. New Guy hasn't been paying attention to my well-being, but he's been asking for some input from me on his stuff. I'm feeling a little twitchy about it. It's like he pokes me because he wants me to fix things but he doesn't even ask if I'm feeling all right. I appreciate that he's talking to me (really, mostly texting me, which I've objected to...) about the things on his mind, but I am tired and coughing painfully and he knows that but it slips his mind.

I feel like things like this happen with him periodically. He's amazing when I'm with him, but less amazing when we're apart. I don't have to chase him down for attention but he gets super moody sometimes.

I don't know how much I should let this bother me. I had visions of being cherished after Mr. Fantastic. I don't feel cherished. But he's very thoughtful other times, and way more helpful than Mr. F. Also more fun. The trouble is, I'm getting really emotionally attached. I'm not sure there's a point to saying I want more attention if he doesn't want to give it on his own. But I know he cares about me and hasn't given any indication he wants to go elsewhere.

I didn't invite him to spend time with me & the kids this weekend because I don't want to crowd the kids with him, and because I'm feeling uncertain about how we are.

I could wring my hands over this and say "this, but that..." But what it comes down to is, I don't feel well, and after all those years of Mr. Fantastic not caring if I was sick, I really be with someone who would show me that my well-being matters to him. And New Guy didn't even ask when he texted me tonight.

Have I chosen another Fantastic guy?

[KGirl]

Well, we know how much I struggle with knowing what expectations of people are normal, so I'm not the best advice person.. but maybe have some things to ponder. I have uttered nearly the exact same thing: "I really enjoy when we're together but the in-between times are SO HARD." Not sure if it comes from being used to living with someone where there wasn't "in-between time" or what.

So first thought, from one of my wiser friends - she has told me it may be better to wait and see if a pattern develops before bringing something up (and of course, in a non-threatening, curious sort of way), rather than immediately question it the first time something happens. If there is a pattern of him asking questions/wanting things from you, when you've made it clear you're not in a position to "give" right now, it seems totally reasonable to bring it up. If it's just one time it may be a coincidence, and maybe not? My friend passed this one from the therapist she used to see when her marriage was ending, who would say that people can get overwhelmed and feel threatened if they are questioned, even gently, every time something negative happens.

If it bothers you, it's worth bringing up, especially if there are multiple instances/ways in which you're feeling like you're not getting attention. The "I'm not sure there's a point to saying I want more attention if he doesn't want to give it on his own" is worrisome. It sort of sounds like you'd expect him to read your mind/"if he doesn't do it on his own, it's not genuine." But we NEED to let people know that's what we want/need, otherwise they may have no idea. Maybe he wants to give more attention but worries about being smothering or seeming too clingy. It just may not occur to him - that doesn't mean he won't, if it's important to you. If after talking about it and making it clear that it's important he still won't do it or doesn't feel like he needs to make an effort, THEN there's a real issue. It sounds like he's not intending to be inattentive, it just slips his mind.

Other thought - I have a colleague I really respect and find wise, in his late 50's. We talked a little about what happened w/ my XBF in terms of him not sharing things, etc., and his response was: "Well, he's a guy. That's just how we are." I don't know that this is an excuse, or a generalization that actually applies, but it does make me wonder if we're over-expecting partners to be things that they just aren't raised or socialized to be (especially compared to us when we've been through counseling, a lot of self-help material, etc.) and we're looking for unicorns that just don't exist. Hmm.

And re: texting, I struggle with this too. I've been reading a relationship-related blog/website pretty closely and really like most of what it has to say. However, the writer is adament that texting, emailing, etc. is a lazy form of communication and that people who primarily rely on that are emotionally unavailable/not really "in" the relationship. I'm not sure how I feel about that - texting/messaging is my primary form of communication with everyone, I rarely pick up the phone, so I'm not sure if this actually reflects as poorly as she's saying. HOWEVER, if you have asked for more phone calls and he won't follow up, that's a legit issue you can point to.

And lastly.. maybe this will feel very differently once your cold blows over..!

[Maybell]

So I talked to a close friend IRL and she hit all my anxieties. Reminded me that I'm not a terrible judge of character -- sometimes people change. I married Mr. Fantastic really young and he decided to grow into the sort of person who cheats and leaves. That all the rest of my friends are very high quality people and that I should trust my judgement. Told me specifically what some of my best qualities are and what she loves about me and what I have to offer people and I feel so much better. In fact I cried.

And then New Guy did ask me how I'm feeling first thing. And he's joining us for dinner tonight and because my dear friend reminded me of who I am, I can't wait to see him.

It takes a village for me to navigate my life. I'm so lucky I have such a great village.

[KGirl]

Glad it passed over And yes, people do change - we may have made a good assessment with the information we had at the time but people can grow or "unfold" in ways we can't predict.

[SunnyB]

It's tricky, isn't it MB? It's hard to distinguish between circumstances and excuses. It seems like you navigated this one well, nice job.

[Underdog]

Hey there Maybell!

Hope things are going hunky dory for you and the kids. Sorry I've been AWOL. I've been doing my perpetual move for the past 2 months and I just seem to be devoid of energy to do much of anything lately. But the end is in sight...

Anyway.

It's like he pokes me because he wants me to fix things but he doesn't even ask if I'm feeling all right.

You realize that guys aren't wired to ask about feelings, right? It's like wishing your cat could bark. Have you ever read What Could He Be Thinking? It's a fabulous insight to how men think, and it's written by a man. I think you'd be doing yourself and your NG a huge favor by absorbing the material. It's an eye opener.

Now for the reality check. NG is not the male character in a romance novel. He's not perfect, and he comes to your table with his baggage and you with yours. You have anxiety issues and he's moody. Accept what is and move on. Or if you can't accept something, it's time to ask for changes (which he might not be able or willing to deliver).

Considering I have anxiety issues that drive my family members nuts, I overlook that my XH and my D22 are moody people. You just have to learn how to let them work through whatever puts them in a moody place. Just like they shouldn't need to figure out why we're feeling anxious. I will say that I do have a line that I bring to their attention: I let them know that when they cross that line, it's not okay to get on my case because they're in a funk. And guess what? They don't hesitate to call ME on the carpet when I do the same.

Life is all about compromising. Not one of us is perfect. Nobody can fill all our needs. That's why it's super important to be vigilant on our own path of self enlightenment and change, *especially* when we're in a R with someone else.

So maybe next time you can just realize that you're feeling under the weather and tell him, "You know what? Right now I'm feeling lousy, and that tends to make me get into some dark places, so it's probably the best thing for me to devote my energy to getting better physically and mentally. Can we talk in a couple days?"

BUT... I will say that what you are observing just might be the tip of the iceberg. Learn how to pay attention to those red flags. If he's not the kind of man who can give you what you want, you might have to make a decision down the road. But I will reiterate that most men I know aren't really good at what you want in a partner, MB. If they can't fix something, they tend to avoid the problem altogether. They just want you to feel better and get back to normal. So it's up to you to teach him how you would like him to respond. Be specific. Ask for what you want. If he doesn't know what you want, it's a little tough to expect him to give it to you.

On the other hand, if he's not willing to try, that might be the most telling thing. Just know it works both ways. He might surprise you with a challenge of his own.

Hope you're feeling better!

Betsey

[Maybell]

Thanks, Betsey!

He's actually pretty on top of things. It was me feeling stressed and sick. I did talk to him about stuff and he said, let me pull up all our text messages from this week... And wouldn't you know, he'd asked after me every single day. The disconnect was on me. We talked it over a little bit and I'm coming to realize that I treat romantic relationships very differently than I do the other ones, and I need to train myself to relax more into this and enjoy it with the same level of acceptance I extend to my other close friends. I have SO MUCH work to do on myself in that way.

In other news, Mr. Fantastic needed a weekend swap from me and I accommodated him in exchange for some weekday help with the kids while I train for my new job. That went very smoothly. Then last night while I was at dinner with my New Guy (I was checking on the kids) I got an email from Mr. F asking me for stuff out of the house. I put it away as fast as I could but I was distracted for a moment and he could tell and very gently pulled me back. This morning I sent a reply to Mr. F saying that he had not yet failed to turn a smooth interaction about the kids into a request for me to give him something and that if he wanted us to continue to have calm interactions that he needed to stop.

I worry that New Guy thinks I'm more engaged with Mr. Fantastic than I feel like I am. I feel like I spend half my time just pushing him off so he won't try to take advantage of me.

We had the beginnings of a conversation about Bill Cosby last night too and I feel so uncomfortable talking about infidelity with him, because I can't describe what my opinion is without worrying that he's misreading how I feel. I will spend Saturday evening with him and I hope to bring it back up and share that with him, as well as the topic of being distracted over the email, because I care about him understanding me and also because I want to hear more of what he thinks. A noisy restaurant is not the best place for a discussion like that.

[SunnyB]

Maybell, I love your revelations, and Mr. NG sounds so good for you. Relax and enjoy him. I honestly wish I had a Mr. NG, what I have going with My Nica is way more complicated. But even that's teaching me to relax and not push, it will be what it will be.

[Mozza]

It's hard to know what to make of our past relationships with our NG. They are so significant, and the horrible BD experience we had makes them over heavier on our minds - the scars, the baggage. They are a big part of us and important to understand some of our reactions and fears. But at the same time, how much space should we give these people in our new relationship? How much space should our new people give to our exes? They found someone new and they want to feel special and important, so how much ex talk will affect that feeling for them.

At the moment, I've decided to keep quiet about STBX and D. I had an experience similar to yours with an email while with New Girl. It bothered me for a couple of hours during a romantic weekend. I was a bit absent-minded, but decided not to tell her why. I would only have rehashed my gripes with STBX after all ("it bothers me because..."), not really something interesting to her. A few hours later it was gone and I was happy I didn't mention it. No D or ex talk during that special moment between us.

By the way, does New Guy have a history? Maybe I forgot, but he doesn't seem to bring it up.

Oh and I'm glad NG had text evidence of his caring ways. Like you, I feel neglected sometimes, for no good reason. Sometimes, we need to replay the tape of our conversations and interactions to realize that we were blind or deaf to very clear signals. Sometimes, we need to bull a Buddhist DB, and just acknowledge our emotions without being engulfed by them.

[SunnyB]

Maybell, an update, please?