atesja

[ciluzen]

Hey, M.

This discussion of anger is very intriguing. For most of my life, people always described me as stoic, patient, "zen", having a long fuse.

However, as I gave so much of myself to my H, baring myself emotionally, mentally, physically...there had to be a shift. While trying to make him understand how I felt after one of the first times I caught him "flirting", I got very frustrated and started crying. I couldn't remember ever crying, and kept apologizing. He told me,"its ok, its because you love me so much". Well, that was just the beginning. As things got worse, I cried more and then started letting anger out as yelling and storming. It was unhealthy for me and for our relationship. It was borderline abuse. Although I had aright to be angry at his behavior, it was not a healthy way to deal with it. I still remember H saying, "stop beating me up." That is exactly what it was.

At this point, I am trying so hard to get back to being patient and "zen" again. But with a difference, and the difference is key. Before, I had no visible anger because I either didn't care (not invested in the problem) or I CONTROLLED it. Now I'm practicing more mindfulness, and letting the emotion come, naming and recognizing it, then letting it go, as others above had mentioned. It is a large difference.

Anger is like an animal. I tried this weekend to CONTROL a horse. It threw me. I made the rookie mistake of not recognizing the animal, naming it, and respecting its animal nature. I should have then just worked WITH it according to its nature, needs, and timeline.

Its ok to have anger. We just need to know that we should not try to let it it throw us due to our misunderstanding of what it is and our need to control it. Its just an emotion; a reaction to a situation.