Diary of an HD Monster

[NotATLDave]

After posting for the past month or so at "some other" relationship site, I came across this one and decided that this would be a much better place to continue recording a journal.

From everything I have read, I feel like I'm linked to many of you as my situation is so similar. Especially SuperDave, tim47, hairdaog, CeMar. I will try to avoid being cryptic but will shortly provide an overview of my situation here. It's been tough but I'm in the process of re-inventing myself and overhauling my relationship.

My Situation
Me 35. W 35. D5.
Married 10 Years
Avg. 4 times per year - qualifies as a no-sex marriage.
Meds - none
Physical Issues - none. W can get aroused and orgasm one we get started.
Psych Issues - W - slight body image problem (an a fear of feet...????).

Both of us fell into "comfortable" roles as individuals. Probably my fault initially because I was trying to launch a business when we first got married. I was definitely obsessed with taking care of my needs before hers but at any rate, we got into the infamous catch-22. I viewed the lack of sex as a "normal" thing that newlyweds do. Then I blamed myself for all the hours I was working, then when we had our D5, I blamed that, then it was work again. Being non-confrontational by nature, I never bugged her about it or pushed the issue. I just emotionally disconnected and tried to become a monk. But then in the past couple of years, after moving to a home-office and having great quality time with my w, she approached my on New Year's day and said that her resolution is to get the physical side of the relationship back. This, in combination with a passed opportunity for a PA with someone in a bar made me completely become motivated to ensure that we have the absolute greatest, fulfilling life together.

I read SSM then asked W to do it which she claims she did. She is opting to take a non-therapy/non-self-help approach. This is a positive sign because she doesn't feel (or want to feel) that things are that serious though she knows they are from a talk we had.

I established a "vision" of a fulfilling relationship. There are a few "principles" / boaundaries that have to be established that we are working on now. The first one was the establishment of things directly related to the desire issues and we are working through the others. Part of this also includes a set of "rules of engagement" which deals with how we communicate. (note, I just saw that Michelle's KLA seminars cover this).

I gave her my list of things which primarily included LM 2 times per week. Includes being together once on the weekend and once during the week. She's been doing it for a couple of weeks which is good but there are still some moments that I get very frustrated with the fact that it is not natural. I shouldn't complain because my ability to be connected into the M is also a little unnatural too. It feels like we are trying to find love in an arranged marriage.

What's also tough is that having "love" again makes you very sensitive to things and a little bit more needy of your love languages. I'm initiating a lot more now and experiencing more rejection where in the past, I just rode my bike to numb my nuts.

In this recovery, I've had 2 major breakthroughs along with many minor ones. The first epiphany had to do with being empathetic and patient and to no drop any major lists of requests to spouse because you can't "engineer" another person into something you desire. You can only provide a couple short, simple parameters that they can dwell on in their head. In our case it was my "minimum 2 days per week" request. Simple.

The second was the fact that there are only 2 things you can do in a relationship. 1. Provide the things that your spouse needs to feel love, respect, security, and comfort. In other words, provide the soil for her love to grow. 2. Work on yourself to become as attractive, and desirable as possible in the eyes of your spouse. The 5 love languages talk about love but it probably assumes that your spouse is attracted to you. I'm discovering more and more, that the LL is easy to fix while the attractiveness thing is a little more difficult because it requires you to change many aspects of yourself (think 180). These types of changes are hard like diets and you can easily revert to your old ways. In my case, I'm trying to become more laid back and less nerdy while making some dramatic changes to my appearance.

For the past few months I've had some huge swings up and some huge downward spirals. I'm not used to feeling "in love" like I did in college. Sitting closer to W, holding hands, and kissing more has made me more emotional with swings from blissful optimism to utter, hopeless pessimism within a 24 hour period. I'm thinking that those days are behind me now because we are in a fairly regular pattern now. I'm no longer dwelling on whether to tell W what I want etc. It's been established, I'm now doing my part to help, it's now up to her to do hers.

While this sounds like everything is good, there still a lot of emotional issues to deal with like rejection when initiating, her motivation discrepancies etc. I still need to vent and bounce ideas off of everyone occasionally.

Anyway, this is a fresh start for me in many ways. It feels like I've peeled a layer of tar off of myself because I was feeling really crappy a few weeks ago. I really want to forget about that person who was freakishly trying everything under the stars to force change. It took many hours of telling myself to chill,chill,chill. (Hopefully my W is telling herself "yum,yum,yum").

I'm much more relaxed and hopeful now. There's even the possibility that W might visit this site. After all, it was HER idea to fix the LD thing. I have to keep telling myself that because I seemed to jump in front of her with my phrenetic research and analysis which typical of problem-solve type personality. I'm sure some of you can relate.

-Dave