Hi all. Thanks for posting. a bit low at the moment but nothing really causing that only my own thoughts which I need to control better Kids all good , we've been out and about a fair bit and had movie night last night so they didn't get to bed until 1am.
Nothing different is sitch, W still phoning or texting most days and she seems to be struggling on. She's losing her hair and has a big bald spot on the back , she's told kids it's stress
Life is moving forward , I'm still looking to move but it's not as pressing to me as it was
I still haven't reached full detachment but I do feel like I'm getting there It's hard to see someone you shared a life with struggling but I do appreciate we all make our own choices.
Hi Vanillia. I think I still hold onto the hope of reconciliation while knowing it can never happen regardless of Ws thought or actions on the matter. This keeps the contact.
I never contact W , I will answer most of her calls and respond to texts but that's it. I don't pursue ( that I'm aware of ). Maybe you could look at an interaction for me and tell me if I am pursing without realising it
Last night W came to stay for the night and I was out dropping S20 to the pictures with some of his friends. When I got home W was in the boys shower and when she finished she came into the front room and showed me a picture of her father and my BIL BIL has not aged well and put on quite a bit of weight. I commented and then W went into tell me SIL and BIL are still having problems ( on going for 10 years ) Again I commented without any real opinion
W then asked me how she could tell which brake pads were worn in her car as the warning light was on. I offered to look today and then she said she was going to order the pads. Again I offered to fit them when she got them
I can see how this might be seen as pursuing but I would offer to do this for anyone and have done so for neighbours or guys I work with
W came into my bedroom this morning ( she knocked ) and made some conversation and left with D11 to get shopping I got dressed and left for the day. W leaves at 5pm to collect OW I will return after
W called a while ago and asked if I had left the town as she needed something collected from Post office and she had no photo ID ( Parcel was delivered to my house but no one answered door ) I had left the town so said so and said sorry
Vanillia , am I pursuing ? I am always up beat when talking to W , dressed well because I almost always do anyway at this stage and W will comment on how well I look or how nice my hair is She praises me for how Im a good dad and kids are lucky to have me I never mention her life and even when she leaves herself open for truth darts I don't fire them.
My take on my sitch is W regrets her choices ( she has apologised and admitted she was wrong for her actions ) BUT she is also accepting of her life now and will continue with it. I believe she thinks I've moved on and no longer wish to have an R with her so DB wise , I've done a decent job
I suppose we all reach a point where we have to move forward and while I'm not there on the inside and think W is She has OM ( whatever that maybe be ) and her new life It may not be great but it's what she has She is still very friendly to me and obviously cares for me but the desire to be M to me is gone
I would appreciate your comments becaus I am down at the moment and it's my own thoughts that have me there. Could I have done more ? I truly know it's too late but I still have doubts as to if I could have acted differently
Maybe this is one for sandi2, but, if you still have a desire, would it not be worth chatting about an R? What if your W wants an R, but feels she can't bring it up? Really difficult to judge without breaking all the rules.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Lovely. I'm sorry you feel somewhat low at the moment. It is inevitable and we all go through this - but not a nice way to be feeling.
From your post it sounds as though you feel your W is 'happy' with her choice and pretty much move on. I can't really concur with this view. I think your W has what she feels she 'deserves' at this point - no cash, poor standard of housing, fragile OM with poor mental health (and were there alcohol issues too?) limited time with the kids. Truly, if your W were at peace with her choices, I don't think her hair would be falling out! And I'm sorry for her if it is - that must be horrible.
I wouldn't suggest a R talk. After all, given the above does she seem in a healthy place to be able to make good choices and be a suitable partner for you? I don't think she is there yet, however I feel she may get there.
For you, there is always the option of changing things up a little. You do permit your W significant access to you, your home and the kids - which is up to you of course. Is it possible that this may help to keep her somewhat 'stuck?' As she can still be partly Mum, retain a 'friendship' with you and also have the whole OM (in whatever form??) thing going on. IDK what the answer is there - but I would approach it from a - what do I need to look after myself perspective - for the right answer to you. Anything you do, I would also practice a compassionate approach to your W as I do believe she has become rather lost and she doesn't seem to be a bad person at all.
I know I harp on about GAL and I appreciate you must be busy - own business and home, four kids etc. However, your kids are at an age where they can look after themselves on that (one night a week?) where you choose to do something just for you. Perhaps this might be a good time to consider joining a support group and be able to share with others locally and have the social & bonding aspect too. As you know, that has been a big help to two of your favourite online ladies - Pink and me??
To me, changing things up a little may not be about interactions with your W - but may be about your own growth. I've always been a bit flaky on goals - but reading Codependent no more - she is very keen on goals and writing them down. So, what I decided to do is have a goals notebook and whenever I think of a goal, I write it on the page of that notebook. It feels better than having a list to me - more organic. Whenever I think of something I want to do to achieve that goal, I add in a bullet point on that page. I think I'm up to around 15 goals at this point. Whenever I feel a bit unfocused, I pick up the notebook - add some bullets, tick some things off and think about what I want to do next.
Just some thoughts anyway - and sorry if all a bit unfocused! A big happy Easter to you and hope you have a lovely day with the family xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
