You may need to know that if she could bypass talking about it, she will. B/c it is much nicer for her if she sees the two of you picking up where you left off. Sweeping it under the rug doesn't work, but a lot of couples do it. Then later, they are right back into the same situation.

I suggest you give her little time to bring it up, and if she doesn't then you need to tell her that since she's willing to work on the MR, this is what you need from her. Don't misunderstand, you have your part of the work, but if she's been unfaithful, she is the one who needs to earn your trust and to be transparent about her activities. She will need to prove herself, and it is possible through transparency.

Transparency is when the unfaithful spouse accounts for her time, her emails and text messages by giving the faithful spouse full access whenever he chooses to look. He gives no warning as to his checking (b/c she will delete messages) and she never knows when he will look b/c it's not routine. She has no rights to any so-called privacy. The only reason a W would protest is b/c she has something to hide.

Transparency is to help her withdraw from the OM. If she works with him, it has to stop. All contact has to abruptly end. There is no tapering off an affair, and no "closure". No contact whatsoever is needed. She will have withdrawals, just as if it were any other addiction. Staying transparent will aid her in staying on the straight & narrow. It also helps you, obviously. It is a joint agreement, and if she won't do it.......then assume she is not cutting off contact with OM. She can whine and complain that you are treating her like a prisoner or trying to control her, but the bottom line is if she is earnest about saving the M, she'll do this. Otherwise, she is playing you for a fool. She might even agree and in the beginning and plan to keep everything deleted, but she will get careless when she sees you haven't checked in a while......and then the truth comes out.

You are the one calling the shots here, not her. And please know that you cannot trust her at this time. She is very vulnerable to increasing contact with the OM and may try to take an affair deeper underground. Which simply means she gets more creative at hiding it.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!