New Thread for Help

[Sparkls]

I've been debating with myself trying to track down OWs family. Her parents are super religious and I'm sure wouldn't be happy to hear she's having an affair...
But at this point I'm not even sure what good it would do.

[CWOL]

With me, I'm becoming less sure that telling people would make matters worse. If anything, it would be one more reality the W would have to face. Right now, I'm the monster - people who she's talked to think I'm the one that filed, and I've been a total rat-bas*rd to her. I walked into the bank I've been going to for decades - and you'd think I was a leper. It was incredible. They even asked my Mother to take her account elsewhere. Can you believe that?

The reason I went with the Exposure tactic was the website I found strongly promoted it. I didn't go "nuclear" but I had a targeted hit list of 10 mutual friends of WW and me and then I scavenged OM's Facebook page (I don't know the rat personally). Let me tell you it got me a big reaction! At that point I was at wit's end, since WW told me "it's over, don't even try to R." I figured my M is over anyway, I need to at least get the truth out there. My WW did become somewhat depressed afterwards, especially when she realized her mother and cousin were on MY SIDE. She was especially upset about that. She told me that she wasn't sure of going through with D but after I exposed her she was positive she wanted to end the M. (Ummm.. She told me the same thing before Exposure too!)
They forced her to come back to my house and stay... But she was able to turn them after telling them that she would die if she stayed married to me, or something to that effect.
Would I do it again if given the chance? Probably. I think the sequence and timing would be a little different, now knowing the reaction. Of the 10 mutual friends, 3 turned out to be Enablers who sided with her (even got her a secret second phone, to gaslight me!) But that's another story.

[CWOL]

I've been debating with myself trying to track down OWs family. Her parents are super religious and I'm sure wouldn't be happy to hear she's having an affair...
But at this point I'm not even sure what good it would do.

It's a controversial subject, that's for sure. I had to play Sherlock Holmes to track down OM's family (he's on another continent!). But I was determined and spent a lot of time on Google and found them (in a foreign language!) When I called OM's mother, she was shocked because she knows my WW from 20 years ago. Her son, OM told her that my WW has been divorced for "years." I told her no, she's very much married to me right now, she's in the shower in fact. So OM's mother apologized to me and told me she would talk to her son. Did it stop him? No, she's probably in her 70's and he's 50. But it did feel good at least at that time. The weasel has been twice divorced with two kids.

[mvgfwd2]

Have you tried sandi's 37 rules as a starting point for dealing with a WW? I think at this point that is what you need to be doing along with GALing

[Vapo]

Confronting OW or/and OW's family usually backfires. It usually just solidifies their illicit affair and they think of themselves that it is just the 2 of them against the whole bad world that is out to destroy them...

[CWOL]

Working with L through the settlement agreement. The state computer formula comes up with WW getting 43% of net spendable income every month and I get 57%. This is with 50/50 custody for my S11.
How the heck is this fair? I make 95% of the income. I'm the betrayed husband, I didn't cheat on anybody. She's going to rent an apartment that I have to upkeep.
WW also wants >me< to pay $10K for her L's stupid ex parte filings and frivolous antics. My L said, no thanks! If anything it has to come out of community property which is only 50% from me.
This really [censored]. At least my L is doing a good job now, hitting them on every point.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

So go for greater than 50/50 custody?

What does support drop to if you get primary custody?

Since it appears you hope to reconcile...every dollar you spend fighting her is less dollars you have to split with her.

Plus the shame of having to defend against your betrayed husband saying they are the more fit,caring, capable and better parent.

Even just the threat of losing primary custody (and getting less money and having to get a full time job versus a part time job) might help wake her up.

Waywards are horrible parents. You might even win the claim. You are still in the house your son grew up in versus some apartment and you are more capable of providing consistently for his needs than your wife.

Don't discuss this with your wife other than to say it's up to your attorney and you don't want to talk about the divorce that you still don't want. If she wants your attorney to back off..then dismiss her divorce claim and talk about marital reconciliation. Otherwise...it's out of your hands.

[CWOL]

So go for greater than 50/50 custody?

What does support drop to if you get primary custody?

Since it appears you hope to reconcile...every dollar you spend fighting her is less dollars you have to split with her.

Plus the shame of having to defend against your betrayed husband saying they are the more fit,caring, capable and better parent.

Even just the threat of losing primary custody (and getting less money and having to get a full time job versus a part time job) might help wake her up.

Waywards are horrible parents. You might even win the claim. You are still in the house your son grew up in versus some apartment and you are more capable of providing consistently for his needs than your wife.

Don't discuss this with your wife other than to say it's up to your attorney and you don't want to talk about the divorce that you still don't want. If she wants your attorney to back off..then dismiss her divorce claim and talk about marital reconciliation. Otherwise...it's out of your hands.

I live in a Liberal state. I am male. Trying to get >50% custody is NOT going to fly, believe me. I work a lot more hours than she does, which makes it harder to get my S11 to all his activities on time. I've asked for Primary but chances are it'll be 50/50.

It's a No-Fault state. There is no "shame" in the court. It $ucks, for sure, to be a betrayed spouse in this state.

50/50 Child support is less than a third of the spousal maintenance (alimony) payment. It $ucks. My L said Maintenance will go down 10-15% once the D is finalized. The judge _can_ force her to get more hours or a full time job but it'll only decrease my alimony by 50 cents for every $1 she earns. Given the large disparity between her wage and mine, I'm going to get screwed. It's terrible, basically encourages her to not work and leech off me even if we were divorced. No wonder more women than men file for D at this age!

I don't discuss this stuff with WW but she has been asking me about settling. The best I can see is settle the issues first to reduce the acrimony. Dragging it out will just p*ss everyone off and burn money for nothing.

[TimR]

Wow that really is terrible. It is amazing that they can cheat and lie and yet are entitled to so much. That is one reason I am glad I have not spent more years with wife. As it stands now she is not really entitled to much.

As easy as this is to say I know it still hurts but remember it is only money and you can always make more money. Like I said its easier to say.

[CWOL]

Wow that really is terrible. It is amazing that they can cheat and lie and yet are entitled to so much. That is one reason I am glad I have not spent more years with wife. As it stands now she is not really entitled to much.

As easy as this is to say I know it still hurts but remember it is only money and you can always make more money. Like I said its easier to say.

Thanks Tim.
I really don't care about the money as much as the principle of things. Like you said, I can always make it back. I don't spend frivolously anyway, I have been saving it for S11's college education and his future.
But what's terrible is the sense of entitlement my WW has.
I'm going through my broker now to ascertain all my equities that were in there before I got married to get a separate assets valuation.
But doing this is terrible. I think our system is terribly stacked against betrayed husbands. They should never had taken adultery off the books!