Kirk, I am going to make a statement that may sound crazy to your ears. This is not the time for you to be telling her how much you love her, or even to tell her you want to save the M. At this time, the more you tell her you love her and don't want a divorce, the more it will push her away. Talking about the relationship does not work. Every time you have a R talk, it will set you back. You may wonder how things can be resolved without talking about it. It is through your behavior.
She doesn't want to "hear" anything about how YOU feel. She doesn't want you to start doing all the housework or buying her flowers, etc. She doesn't want you being her doormat. She needs to see you as a strong man. Not the physical muscles, but the inner strength. Women need their men to be stronger than they are.
I suggest you not make any proclamation about how you are going to change. Don't send her a letter, pouring out your heart. It does no good, whatsoever.
You need to do some deep soul searching about your own issues and fix them. If you need therapy, medication, or whatever.......do it. The more you focus on her affair, the less you are focusing on yourself. Don't misunderstand, I am not suggesting that you act as if this affair is okay. I am saying that the real problem existed before the affair. The affair may end today, but it would not be an automatic fix to the real issues in the MR.
You cannot persuade her to stay in the MR with talking. Your words mean very little to her. All she will notice are your actions. You cannot "nice" her back. You cannot be vindictive and expect her to want you.
Right now, your male reflexes are screaming to do something, ANYTHING.......but just act. It is a dangerous period b/c you don't have enough DB under your belt yet, and you could actually make matters worse by reacting to her affair.
Let me ask some questions about your MR, before the affair. Which one of you put the distance between you emotionally? Me Who would you say wore the pants in the M? W How was the sex life? once a month for 2+yrs
Did you ever feel your W spoke disrespectfully to you in front of your sons? Yes Did she ever speak to you through the kids, when you were sitting in her presence ("Tell your father such & such")?No Did she make snide remarks about you to friends or relatives? Yes Did she ever show any type of disrespect toward you when out in public? Yes
Would you say your W held resentments toward you? Alot
Turning to another man is a red flag that she felt no connection with her H. She had unmet emotional needs. She has given up hope that her H will be the man she needs. She has a lot of resentment toward her H. She has lost respect for her H. She has become a wayward wife. Understood
What do you suggest i do, separation agreement is not finalize, and i know W has all the trump cards. Also i did some digging and she is wasting away all the money in the bank. but i have proof this was during and after the A, dissipation of M funds law would be easily proven
Me 41 W 38 S5 S11 S13 M10 T16 03/06 B drop 1, OM found 1 mth in 03/06 Physical Seperation
