Back on these forums again 7

[Mona52]

Made it to Wednesday! I am officially falling behind on my life because I am doing fun things. Not just guys, but lots and lots of kid time. Now I am trying to catch up on work and it is painfully hard to concentrate. Tonight is karaoke with S12 and D15. How can I edit a manuscript when I have to figure out what I can sing to both impress my kids and NOT make a total fool out of me?

I have a ton of actual work to do, but there is so much work that I have no idea where to begin so I just hopped over here

But I am not worried. (Warning I am about to admit to poor parenting, lol) Last night D15 comes to me. She had 2 months to research and finish a paper due today. And when I say last night, I mean 11 PM of course. She handed me the rubric and I handed her the paper, with references 15 minutes later, lol. So I can get my silly work done. I just cant focus on it because I have so much going on in my life.

I sent my sister to a halfway house in a different city yesterday. She wont hurt her children or our family anymore. My mom does not know. But once she finds out, she is gonna flip. She will be so pissed at me she might kick me and the kids out. That would be FANTASTIC! I hate living there, and I still pay rent on my house.

No word from jerkface so I am sure that means he is not coming to karaoke tonight. S12 wants him to come so badly. But that is out of my control. With as much as he has been trying to talk to me lately, I sort of thought he would come. That was my fault for raising my expectation. He sounded to proud the other day when he told me he actually texted the kids.

Its the middle of the week so I will have very little contact with Chris. He lives far away and only has off Sunday and Mondays so during the week we dont talk much. A few weeks ago it used to drive me crazy that he did not text me all the time during the week.

I knew it was unhealthy for me to need him to text me and even way more unhealthy that I spiraled into depression when he did not. I would of course think he was with an other woman. then I would think he is not capable of filling my needs because I need more text messages.

I did not let him see my crazy, but it was horribly there. I knew I was acting badly (in my head at least). I knew I was just holding on to the insecurities that i feel because my m died. But just because i knew what I was doing, that did not mean I could fix it.

It was hard. Minute by minute I had to remind myself that my feelings were not rational. Chris does not need to text me every five minutes. That does not mean I will spend the rest of my life ugly, penniless and alone. He is not seeing other women.

I made it to the other side of my crazy now. I did not text him at all last night, or today yet. And I have no inner turmoil about it. If I need a text, I have a bunch of friends I can text any time of the day or night. Literally, there is ALWAYS someone there, lol.

What I have to keep figuring out is how to get my needs met. I need to stop forcing life to meet my needs only in the way I think they should be met. For example, I want Chris to text me more. The actual need I have is that I get a few text messages sprinkled throughout the day to let me know someone care about my day. It would be nice if that were Chris, but I need to learn to get my need met and not force the who and how.

It is also getting complicated because Chris is moving so fast. I have told him it is all too fast. He tells me he knows he is freaking me out. He stopped with the ILY because he saw that it really bothered me. It is MWD's fault he is moving so fast. I have studied everything under the sun about R. I have started this with Chris obsessively searching for what he likes. Fill his needs the way he wants and not the way I feel his needs should be met. It has had outstanding results. His head is spinning half the time. That is not a terrible thing, but I feel like I am painting myself into a corner for the future.

I am not ready to kill the idea of R at some point years from now. But I am also not ready to end anything with Chris. I went into this telling him I was not looking for commitment and now I feel he is speeding in that direction.

I think I will sit down and have another heart to heart with him on Monday. My goal will be for him to relax, have fun and not put too much pressure on making it a committed R yet.

Now I HAVE to get some work done. I have to get off FB and this forum and put my nose to the grindstone.