So much happen for you and I am glad somethings are positive stuff. Like your job, the CNA test.
About the D, I think it is not a bad idea to wait a bit, since you main goal is some kind of reconciliation at some point. Here in CO, the whole income, job situation plays a great portion to determine alimony.
In my D, what the court was looking to achieve was that 1st - both individuals will have the meanings to maintain a life and that means they look into his income, your income, years of marriage, how many children, your age, his age, with who the children will stay for most of the time, even your education level plays in determine who gets what. 2nd - it's very important for the court to know that details of the case, in a paper situation they won't mention the way this marriage is being terminated, but depending on a judge (like the lady I had) they will want to know why the divorce is happening.
In my D, I paid a good amount of money, I hold a good L and of course there are some rules that my XH couldn't get a L in the same area.
I went into all details and made calculations of what would be my best and worst scenarios. I also went in survival mode, as my S15 used to say. I made a list of non perishable items and started buying and stocking them. It was like some savings account because I planned I would have those items for about six months or longer after the D and that was money in my pocket.
I know how hard is to think like this and much harder is to know the need to think like this when the truth is that you do not even want it in the first place. From all what I regret, one thing I don't is that I did my own D and clear my situation and my own life. But it is not easy.
Red, take from someone that did most of what you are doing regarding letting your H play his game. It is a losing situation. I still don't get why they behave so jerk like, but they do. Maybe it is because their own insecurities, guilty. But the reality is that the longer you allow such behavior from H and don't stand firm and decisive, the longer he will play your feelings.
When I read your posts, I see a lot of myself in there. I actually feel sad looking back and thinking that I did so many wrongs allowing H to play with me so many times. Your H is being disrespectful with you and your kids and that is the main frame for yourself to put a stop on his control.
Many times I did allow things to happen because of my own guilt on the destruction of my M, and I did things thinking that my H would just turn around and see that I was a good fit for him and that we could have a chance to be a nice family again.
What I was thinking was not all wrong, but what I was doing was to allow my H to play his game so I would have him one more time close to me, it was one more chance to fish him back.
My XH is just changing things in his life after I got real with myself and put an end to all the crazy stuff about coming and going, visits, no boundaries, kisses, hugs, sex. It was very hard for me to just let go. But after I finally stood up for myself, that is when his A went to hell, that is when he decide to clean himself from drugs, that's when he decide to follow his faith and get some help there.
My XH has a long way to go with himself and his recovery, but was only when I said enough, that he start looking at himself and what he did to his family.
I don't know if your H will ever comeback to you. Some do and some don't. As a matter of fact, I think that most don't. That you should be hopeless, NO, definitely not, you may be one lucky story and rebuild your family with your H. But for that to happen, you need to let go first.
In all of this there is one thing that stands out for me... you are a brilliant young woman that is doing the best she can in the face of so much. What your H and the scam bag did to you is very ugly and mean, no one deserves it, and yet you are getting stronger and more confident. Way to go beautiful.
It was hard for me, but I am finally thinking about myself and what life should be for myself. I finally understand that I am the one to respect and value myself, if I don't do this, then no one will ever do.
