Who am I and what do I want?

[JGuy]

I think all the LBH's on this forum have the same issues as you. However, regarding fundamental differences between you and your W: What was it initially that drew you two together when you first met? Why did you decide to get married? Thinking back to that time may help you set your focus on whether the current differences are superficial or central to your marriage.

When we first met, I was at a low place in terms of self-esteem. She validated me. I felt valued just as I was. I liked her open heart and how giving she was. How beautiful she was. In the first 2 years of our R, I found that we just didn't fight. Ever. Sometimes conflicts would come up, but she would never allow herself to sink into negativity like my previous GFs would. She would avoid conflict, but it didn't seem to matter because things seemed to be OK.

I really liked how smooth things seemed to be, despite feeling like it was unhealthy how she avoided conflict entirely. It seemed too good to be true. Now that the truth is coming out, I realize it was too good to be true. She did have all those normal feelings of adversity when conflicts came up, but she would sweep them all under the carpet. Her whole technique was to avoid conflict, and this is what killed our intimacy. I just wasn't wise enough then to realize what was happening.

I realize now that I need a woman who can show up in conflict and represent her own feelings and needs. Conflict is intimacy, they go hand in hand! It's all about doing conflict the healthy, mature way. Sinking into negativity is unhealthy, but so is avoiding. I am definitely learning a lot from all this!