Way Too Late Pt 3

[1313]

Thanks Melo!
It was just sort of funny that as I've been coming out of what I can only describe as a state of shock (2+ months worth) that I started to remember just how many of these things the WW said to me as parting shots.

Sandi is right. Right now I'm no longer going to concern myself with the thought of reconciliation. I suppose what seemed like a brush with the WW considering it was nothing more than a strange anomaly, a blip on the radar.

If it actually came up though - could I do it? PTSD is right. Once you've been burned that many times, would you ever stop jumping?

It would certainly take a very good therapist to help move through this if we got to that point.

Funny, that psychiatrist I mentioned emailed me today asking if I wanted to consider some sessions - 10% discount! whoop-de-doo. Gee, thanks.

FYI, he's kind of famous, has written books and been on Larry King, MTV etc. Worked with a lot of celebrities, athletes etc. He's a nice guy, but I'm not sold on his methods 100%, although some are valuable for certain applications. Kind of like "quick decompression" or "powering up" stuff.

Anyway, what he offers is nothing I'm looking for. I don't need to feel better about the process I'm moving through, I want to work through it myself because there's a lot of things to think about. The WW could use it - because she should be feeling a lot of guilt right now. I haven't lied. I haven't had an affair. I haven't perjured myself in court documents, making things up out of whole cloth - or just saying things to make me look bad. I didn't lawyer up and sue my spouse, going after everything or wanting to destroy it all. I'm not keeping my spouse away from something she loves just to hurt them. Anything I'd like out of therapy or counseling right now are going to be practical applications.

I've made a lot of mistakes. We're all sinners. I am so sorry for anything I did to drive her to doing this. All I can do is try to become a better person. And I hope she can become the person she wants to be, whether that's her old self or some new entity. With as few stretch marks as possible!

The W has worked hard on the outside - diet, excercise, friggin' braces - but she needs something a mirror can never show. I'm afraid turning her back on God was not a good start, I think she's a rudderless ship but seems to have a 300HP Evenrude in back running at full throttle! It's too bad rebelling against me has cost her so much elsewhere.

Anyway, Tim and I will find out what the future holds soon enough I think. While a month ago I wanted nothing more than to pull things back together, I'm a bit more of a fatalist now. What happens happens. I'll go with the flow, and try to make myself the best I can be for nobody else but me.

The W had better watch out too - because I'm done with bending over in court. I've just been backed into a corner and will fight my way back out if need be.