I hesitate to even post this. Why ruin the happily-ever-after ending? I hesitate because I don’t want to give discouragement when I’ve felt my posts and story have been able to give so much encouragement to those who were just as shocked and scared and lost as I was. But then, it’s not my story anymore.
If I were to look deep into myself and ask, “are you happy?” The answer is yes. I’m happier now than I feel I have been at any point on this forum. I’m not the lost person who started here, who didn’t know who I was, full of resentment and bitterness. I’m not the person going through piecing and having panic attacks at the thought of running into an OW. I’m not the person that became depressed as my husband sunk back into his depression. I’m the person who faced the past and put it behind me and is ready to face whatever comes my way. Yes, I’m that person.
The short of it? He wasn’t done. He woke up for a year or so and then he sunk back down. He never finished resolving what put him there in the first place. 9 months ago he sent me an email telling me he was done, he didn’t want to work on the marriage, he wanted out, he was never coming home. It was full of other accusations and other things where I had done him wrong. I accepted what was mine, and gave him back the rest. It wasn’t a huge shock. He hadn’t been himself again. He’s not happy. His #1 priority is back on his job and himself and in complete survival mode of depression. He won’t go back to counseling. He says it doesn’t help. He doesn’t want to deal with any of it or talk about any of it. And for me, well I was done too. I’m not going through this again. I don’t want to divorce bust my marriage. I have no desire to make my life a cycle of good-bad-busting-good. He gets better, comes back and works on it, gets depressed, then gone again. No thanks. I would love to be out.
It would have been better to not see how good it could be, to be with someone who put me first, who put working on the relationship first. To see all he was capable of. Where would I be now if I had walked away then? Probably regretting it. Probably not as strong and as confident. Yeah, probably.
But the problem was, the kids, they absolutely adore him. But for me, what’s the benefit? I don’t want to remarry. No thanks. And then there is the whole thing of this isn’t H. This isn’t the real him. Depression is real. Would I divorce someone with cancer? Never. And then there is that flaw of mine, that I’m happy to have: I’m too much of a fighter. I don’t know how to quit. I don’t give up on people.
Financially things are awesome, and H doesn’t care about money and only wants to take care of me and the kids. With him or without him, life doesn’t really change that much. It seemed selfish to give in and say, “yes, leave,” each time he asked if I wanted him to.
But after 9 months of walking on egg shells, 9 months of going out on a date 1-2 times a week, but never saying “I love you,” 9 months of never saying Happy Birthday or Happy Valentines, he left anyway. The kids were upstairs, I was down, and he took an air mattress and left without saying goodbye to anyone. He is renting a room, not wanting to spend the money on an apartment. Because even though he refuses to look at a single statement or see where we are at financially, he says we’re not in a place for him to have an apartment. That’s not it. I just think that keeps us both stuck again. He can’t take the kids for long periods of time and it leaves us in some kind of limbo state.
And so for a little over a week now, that’s been that. I haven’t called him. I wrote him an email to setup times for visitation. That’s been the limit of my action plan. I bought a new bed set for the kids so he could take his bed when he wanted to, but he hasn’t.
I took the kids and went out of town this last weekend and had a great time with them. I’ve been doing my best to keep the environment stable. The oldest two are noticeably struggling. H calls and tells them goodnight every night, and they always ask him when he will be coming home. I am the one who told them he left and tried to explain why. They called him and asked why and asked why he couldn’t work on getting better here. It was hard to see all of that. They pray every night that he will get better and come home. I’ll be taking them to counseling soon.
I’ve seen him 3 times since he left, and each time he asked for a hug. It’s hard for me to hold back and not try to help him. By nature I’m a very giving and thoughtful person and go out of my way for people. But for H, I haven’t done anything. He has a bed he can get anytime he wants, but he is sleeping on an air mattress. He has only taken some clothes and toiletries. He doesn’t take his alarm clock because he doesn’t have a side table and hasn’t bought one. And he isn’t eating. Maybe he’ll eat once a day, have some cereal or something at work, but he’s not spending any money on food or anything actually. And every time he talks to me he tells me he isn’t eating.
Last night after talking to the kids he wanted to know if he could stop and get me something. That he hasn’t been eating but had an appetite and wanted to get something. I said I couldn’t think of anything but thanks for asking. He said he needed to come and get some pills and I said he could do that. He showed up, clean shaven. He hadn't shaved for over 9 months. That was quite a shocker. He looks 15 years younger.
I’m not worried there is an OW this time around. Things are always possible, but I also trust that I would know.
So anyway, that is that. I’m working full time and have my hands full with trying to be a great mom. I’m figuring out the landscaping and getting that started soon. I’m excited to have a nice place for the kids to play this summer. I’ve got a nanny a few times a week and so I’m going out on those nights and plan to start using those nights to do something fun with one of my boys at a time. I’ve definitely got too much on my plate with work and side projects, but it’s hard to know what to drop. I don’t feel like I can or I should drop anything. I’ve had my own little fun side project really take off and it’s nearly getting to the point of quitting my full time job to focus on that fully, but just not a smart move to lose something so stable. I’ve also been doing some DIY and building some built-in bookcases for the upstairs. I’m pretty excited to see how those turn out. Things are pretty great. I just need to get more sleep and exercise more and just continue to focus more on taking care of me and the kids.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
