I, like many newbies, am here because my marriage appears to be over. I will keep my intro short and can gladly expand where needed as I am sure i will be leaving things out.
My H and I have been married for almost three years, no children, and he told me that he wants a divorce (last Wednesday). We are currently living apart because of job reasons (separate coasts).
We have had our ups and downs, like most couples. The turning point came this past summer when he accepted a job working with a big financial management company (EXTREME pressure, 12-16 hour days) and he crumbled. We have lived apart because of the training (3 months in NYC) and he was relocated to SF (I was to join him in Oct.). He suffers from extreme depression and with the demands of the job, he spiraled - he is "failing" and "about to get fired" (a constant mantra of his). This (I feel) bled into our relationship and as a result he told me that we are "unhealthy" and "volatile".
I definitely did the crying and begging piece, but read DR and backed off in November. I went to visit him over Christmas and assumed it was just over and had accepted that our marriage was done. Mid-way through my visit he woke me up in the middle of the night and said he wanted to make it work. I was confused as to the abrupt turnaround and wanted to take things slow.
Since then things improved and he wanted to talk about moving forward/next steps. We planned a phone call to discuss this and the call went south... fast. Instead of talking about getting back together we fought. The next day I tried to reach out to him, apologizing for my part and wanting to try talking again and he informed me (via text, his preferred form of communication) that he told his parents we were getting a divorce.
Needless to say I fell apart. We had a flurry of text, where I came across as incredibly desperate (I know, I know). At the end I sent a text communicating that I would leave him be. The next day I sent him a letter - summarizing - i don't want a divorce, but I understand this is what you think is right. I am sorry for the mean things I said in "the call" and know that I hurt you. I said things in the heat of the moment that I regret and I promise I will no longer act in a way that would destroy our relationship. I want to make changes that will make our marriage better. I would like to continue to try and talk about moving forward if you are willing
The letter was on its way (Wednesday), the next day my father called H (in a misguided, but loving, attempt to get the "real" answer about D) without my knowledge. It was during their conversation that my father repeatedly asked him for a "yes or no" about whether or not he wanted a D, and H finally said yes. H feels the relationship is too "unhealthy" "we have tried everything" "it will never get better".
I have not communicated with H since the text war or my father's call. I know he received my letter because yesterday he sent a text asking about insurance and other mundane items. I did not respond. Several hours later another text "I got your note as well. would you like to talk about this at all". I did not respond. As I am typing this another text about taxes. I do not plan on responding.
He has made it clear that he wants a D and I don't know how to move forward. I am frozen and afraid since he seems to want to just move forward with D. In the previous text war he wanted to just sign papers and I didn't. Now I worry that the minute I respond (which to be honest I am no longer texting, I deserve a call) the conversation will just be about how we need to move forward with the D. I have been giving him space 1) so I don't come across as desperate and 2) in the hopes that he will see what like is like without me - basically being absent where normally I would be super responsive to him.
I need help figuring out how to get him back to where he was prior to "the call". It was a stumble, but he went nuclear, going from wanting to make it work to we are getting a divorce after one call.
Sage words of wisdom for someone who feels that i am losing him and have no chance of stopping this...
Me:33 H:34 T: 3yrs M: 2yrs H depression triggered and we are "unhealthy": 7/15 H wants to "make it work" 12/28 BD: 3/10/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Now he has moved on to sending an email, again the same mundane question. I have no idea what to do, or how to respond - he still has not tried to call. I feel like he is just trying to provoke me into a response so that he can then launch into the divorce conversation. I feel so unprepared, any advice would help please!
Me:33 H:34 T: 3yrs M: 2yrs H depression triggered and we are "unhealthy": 7/15 H wants to "make it work" 12/28 BD: 3/10/16
No one responded to my first post, I am new and perhaps it was too long?
I am unsure what to do at the moment and could use advice. Hy H asked for a divorce last week through text, we are in LDR at the moment. We had a text war (his preferred form of communication), where I begged and pleaded with him culminating in him telling me that I love him more than he loves me.
I ended the conversation with an "I will leave you alone. I understand." and have not communicated with him since, this was last Weds.
He has since sent 3 mundane texts about taxes and storage, which I ignored. And then he sent me 2 emails about the same things, when he realized I was ignoring his texts.
I read DR and am unsure how to respond using the LRT. Should I leave him be for awhile until he actually calls? Should I give him the space to miss me, where I am normally very responsive (180)? Should I reply with something short and polite?
Please HELP!
Me:33 H:34 T: 3yrs M: 2yrs H depression triggered and we are "unhealthy": 7/15 H wants to "make it work" 12/28 BD: 3/10/16
How are you doing with the homework that I gave you? Specifically on validation.
Of course I am hoping by now that you realize that begging and pleading is not going to work.
I understand you are in LRT right now however you can answer him if you choose. I guess the first question I have is what are you trying to accomplish by answering? Understand that nothing you say is going to turn him around. He must do that on his own. You can only control YOU.
As far as getting post on your thread, suggestion #1 keep posting on this thread until you get to 100 posts.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions. Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently). KISS = Keep it simple stupid Post on other peoples threads and give them support. You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about. Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.
Now he has moved on to sending an email, again the same mundane question. I have no idea what to do, or how to respond - he still has not tried to call. I feel like he is just trying to provoke me into a response so that he can then launch into the divorce conversation. I feel so unprepared, any advice would help please!
He might be trying to provoke you.
Or he is unsure of your lack of response and is confused.
You can write out your responses here and someone can critique them before you send them.
Remember to follow the 48 hour rule before you respond. IE - wait 48 hours so you will also get a chance to hear what others here have to say.
I understand you are in LRT right now however you can answer him if you choose. I guess the first question I have is what are you trying to accomplish by answering? Understand that nothing you say is going to turn him around. He must do that on his own. You can only control YOU.
Thank you Cadet for the reply. I did reply yesterday before checking for responses on this forum.
I think by answering I wanted to have communication with him, I miss him... I do understand that nothing I say will change his mind and was not trying to accomplish that in my response to him. I am just not sure how to engage him from here? How will anything happen if I just sit in silence? Is that better?
Me:33 H:34 T: 3yrs M: 2yrs H depression triggered and we are "unhealthy": 7/15 H wants to "make it work" 12/28 BD: 3/10/16
