Unsure of what's next

[iwad]

I, like many newbies, am here because my marriage appears to be over. I will keep my intro short and can gladly expand where needed as I am sure i will be leaving things out.

My H and I have been married for almost three years, no children, and he told me that he wants a divorce (last Wednesday). We are currently living apart because of job reasons (separate coasts).

We have had our ups and downs, like most couples. The turning point came this past summer when he accepted a job working with a big financial management company (EXTREME pressure, 12-16 hour days) and he crumbled. We have lived apart because of the training (3 months in NYC) and he was relocated to SF (I was to join him in Oct.). He suffers from extreme depression and with the demands of the job, he spiraled - he is "failing" and "about to get fired" (a constant mantra of his). This (I feel) bled into our relationship and as a result he told me that we are "unhealthy" and "volatile".

I definitely did the crying and begging piece, but read DR and backed off in November. I went to visit him over Christmas and assumed it was just over and had accepted that our marriage was done. Mid-way through my visit he woke me up in the middle of the night and said he wanted to make it work. I was confused as to the abrupt turnaround and wanted to take things slow.

Since then things improved and he wanted to talk about moving forward/next steps. We planned a phone call to discuss this and the call went south... fast. Instead of talking about getting back together we fought. The next day I tried to reach out to him, apologizing for my part and wanting to try talking again and he informed me (via text, his preferred form of communication) that he told his parents we were getting a divorce.

Needless to say I fell apart. We had a flurry of text, where I came across as incredibly desperate (I know, I know). At the end I sent a text communicating that I would leave him be. The next day I sent him a letter - summarizing - i don't want a divorce, but I understand this is what you think is right. I am sorry for the mean things I said in "the call" and know that I hurt you. I said things in the heat of the moment that I regret and I promise I will no longer act in a way that would destroy our relationship. I want to make changes that will make our marriage better. I would like to continue to try and talk about moving forward if you are willing

The letter was on its way (Wednesday), the next day my father called H (in a misguided, but loving, attempt to get the "real" answer about D) without my knowledge. It was during their conversation that my father repeatedly asked him for a "yes or no" about whether or not he wanted a D, and H finally said yes. H feels the relationship is too "unhealthy" "we have tried everything" "it will never get better".

I have not communicated with H since the text war or my father's call. I know he received my letter because yesterday he sent a text asking about insurance and other mundane items. I did not respond. Several hours later another text "I got your note as well. would you like to talk about this at all". I did not respond. As I am typing this another text about taxes. I do not plan on responding.

He has made it clear that he wants a D and I don't know how to move forward. I am frozen and afraid since he seems to want to just move forward with D. In the previous text war he wanted to just sign papers and I didn't. Now I worry that the minute I respond (which to be honest I am no longer texting, I deserve a call) the conversation will just be about how we need to move forward with the D. I have been giving him space 1) so I don't come across as desperate and 2) in the hopes that he will see what like is like without me - basically being absent where normally I would be super responsive to him.

I need help figuring out how to get him back to where he was prior to "the call". It was a stumble, but he went nuclear, going from wanting to make it work to we are getting a divorce after one call.

Sage words of wisdom for someone who feels that i am losing him and have no chance of stopping this...