Thanks Sandi, I have spent the last couple of days going over which way I want to go. The IC is pro mending the marriage but like you said, maybe the WW understanding is not there. I have suggested it to him and will see. I feel some of his advice would be good if I get the feeling something changes within my W.
I have felt within myself this past few days that I need the space from her that going dark would give me. I need to figure out what I want, my W has always had a selfish streak in her and it is shining very brightly lately. She has regularly been one to talk the talk but not walk the walk, especially when it came to me. As much as I still love this woman, I do wonder if I can do better as I improve myself. I understand that any reconciling generates changes in the dynamics of the R, I do question if my W has any ability within her to do the work that would be required. I know I have not always done what I needed to do in her timeframe and made mistakes but I have regualrly heard the words "I tried" without the actually doing.
I have done a lot for her over the years, probably too much at times to now have it all thrown back at me. Many times I have been the easy target to blame for her own failings and it's something I grew very tired of. I spent way too much time last year just trying to do what she wanted and did nothing for me, and she did very little for me in return. I was supposed to work on the house we were building, do all the paperwork, be there for the family all the time, work my job while trying to catch up on 50 hours of missed time and push for a new position (which I got) plus all the other usual things with 2 young children. Yes we didn't spend enough good times together, I spent money on her instead, would buy her and my daughter flowers and small gifts regularly when I went to the market, searched and bought her a piano for her birthday (a dream of hers for 18yrs to have her own), bought her jewelry, presents just for the sake of it, just cause I wanted to. This has always been my way of expressing how much she meant to me. I'm not saying we didn't do things also, we would go out walking as a family, day trips etc. The part that we didn't do was enough time out as a couple but she also never organised anything for us to do. It seemed like I was supposed to do it all. I just got that she tried and thought of things but didn't do anything about those thoughts. It was all just too much and it burnt me out like I never felt before. I can see that at times I was a pain in the ass to live with, but I was doing all this while she had expressed attraction to a work colleague at the early part of the year and wouldn't remove the contact. Something that I then got into arguments with her about. So I have been questioning these last few weeks of what I'm trying to save.
