Getting out of in house S (8)

[Fogg]

Vise, it's been a while since I've commented but your one of the few people is till read up on because I can see many of thr thingd I faced in your sitch.

You are still in denial and grasping for tiny things that mean anything. Also you mention eexpectations but you have them still, I know how difficult it is to stop them but it's important to understand the reality. You get frustrated and angry at her becaue she does or doesn't do/say certain things. She talks about herself and doesn't ask about you and you get upset. It's your expectation that she would care and provide those things to you. It's your expectation she not stay out or wear her ring. This is the reality you want and not her reality. We all get told something at BD and our hearts are ripped out of our chests. Our S hurt us then. We continue to look for signs and have expectations from someone who has told us they are done, we hurt ourselves.

There are many things you can continue to improve about yourself and grow in. I see how scary it is, I do. I'm facing the same fears on being alone and social anxiety. Not being able to talk to people, etc.

Challenge your thoughts when you can. You want W back, understandable, but she's told you what she wants. Its likely she may file for D once you two move out.

She's not sending you a sign she doesn't want to separate by wearing the necklace. Same goes if she talks to you or wants to watch a movie or even if something happens and she needs you or wants to do something with you. It's about her right now, that's it.

If at some point things change and she does want to pursue R you won't have to piece little things together, you will know. Until then work on you.

[vise82]

Hey,

So W mentions to me after she came back yesterday from grociery shopping that for easter she will be taking the kids to her cousins house. Usually they do two of them one at her parents house and one dinner at her cousins house. This year they are doing one dinner.

I was not invited.

It seems I am getting pushed out of her side of the family stuff now. At first it was me saying that I didn't want to go, as part of DBing and now it is expected that I am not going and I am not even invited to family things.

Just a word of caution then to new people. In creating a loss for W by excluding myself from the family events I have created a seemingly permanent rift there.

Part of me doing that was to create a loss and to detach. M feared it I kept going to these family things that she one day would show up with a new guy.

So my next move is to create a Easter with my kids by myself. W still lives at home so I imagine she will be there.

I just wish I could have been a fly on the wall when they all talked about not inviting me. Who said what who agreed, was it my W idea, did anyone want me there?

No one from her side of the family has contacted me since the split up. Her dad reach out in the beginning, but he has since back off. I get the feeling they think I am not good enough for them, they are all well off upper middle class and I came from.. well 10 kids and neither of my parents worked. Yes we were poor.

I just don't get it, I am a great guy and have great qualities. I don't think anyone can love my W as much a I do. To be just rejected by a whole family? I mean sure that is where I came from but its not who I am. I am my own person. My W I think is chasing a dream of abundance. Of a struggle free life full of money and opportunity. Of vacations and large houses and shopping and of chairs with pillows that match the walls.

I think when I met my w she was rebelling against her family. Dating me, I had very little money, against the advise of her parents. She told me many times now that she had to always defend me to her family as they pushed for her to be sure that she wanted to marry me. She choose me. I thought she was choosing love. But she was choosing me as I was moving up in the world with my schooling my house that I owned and the cars I was racing. Then I landed a good job and have stayed there since. W was not happy about it and thought I should move on to make more money. I valued more in life then more money. I valued the family time. I am in a job that I feel fits for me, that I was meant to do.

I guess what I am asking... is love enough to get through this? To get through having two houses? To get through a separation? She left me questioning my love for her. But after all this I am still here. With her, through all of this. Moving forward but still here.

Time will tell.

[otw]

I really am not sure what you are asking to be honest.


maybe you could explain better.

As far as her family. I get that you feel that they have been your only family during the marriage and now you feel pushed out, but to be honest. what did you really think would happen? did you think you would keep going to all of their stuff? Your W is their family not you. I know that is tough but true. I really doubt there was a big talk about inviting you to things. I am going to say it was prob them talking to her about everything and leaving t on her.

I also really dont think you removing yourself from one event caused all of this to happen.

i know it is hard but this is real.

[pinn]

Yea Vise I agree with OTW. I know it is tough but they are her family. I was extremely close to my wife's side. I still see them once in a while and they are very warm and friendly but they do not go out of their way to contact me nor do I expect them to. Think of it from their perspective, they are in a real tough spot themselves. I also doubt there was any serious discussion about you not going to the event. I think they are just going with the flow and letting your W call the shots like OTW says. It is just the way it is in these situations, nothing you can really do about it.

Don't beat yourself up about missing some family events. I doubt the outcome would have been much different. Don't over think things, you will never know the actual story.

[vise82]

Hey OTW and Pinn,

Thanks I can see that they are in a tough spot. It is her family. They will side with her.

I think I am doing better today. Did a lot of work to get some of my things in order. Felt better about joining the summer soccer team. Last night soccer was good, It feels good to really push and play hard. At the end we got a group picture and a couple of player got there arms around me for the photo as did most of the player as we squished in for the picture. I tried to say my good byes but not good at it, More of a just get through it type of thing.

I think the summer season I will be able to open up more as most have kids also around my kids age. It should be good for me. I need to work on my social game.

W is working late tonight and I am planning on taking the kids to skating after school. Lots of fun.

[vise82]

Hey,

Had a dream last night. My family was visiting me, a surprise visit and W was out visiting across the street. I confronted my family for passing information on to my parents and telling them that I could not trust them not to pass information to them.
During that some of my sisters went to spy on what W was doing at the neighbors.

I haven't had many dreams lately but I did have this one. Not too bad dream, but its interesting that I stood up to my family in my dream. This is what W was asking me to do in real life.

W tested me and emailed me today. I replied back with a short greeting and a short answer.

This is what has been bothering me lately, Communication with her is so mater of the fact, no greeting, strait to the point. Nothing friendly or any concern about how I am doing. I know I have mentioned this before

So have been adding it on my end and hoping she will do the same. I do see a change.

[daybyday]

One word comes to mind. Utter selfishness. WW don't care about your feelings or my feelings at the moment. Only way they can feel good about what they are doing. They dont want to add any more guilt to their plate. i would still keep it short and sweet. JMHO

[vise82]

Hey,

We had an offer presented and W was telling me after that she wanted the guy to go after she saw the price. She was agitated and angry.

She asked how it went with S7 dentist appointment and I told her he has a cavity in one of his adult teeth. The was more angry and was blaming me for it for not getting the kids to brush there teeth. And then she was mocking me saying OK really slow and saying she is tired of being the bad guy with the kids and that I don't punish them enough.

This was all crap and I just said if your going to talk to me like that I am not talking to you and left the room.

See things were going good then she talks to me disrespectful like that. I could see the resentment. It was like the curtain was pulled back just a little and I could see her true self.

There was no validating that. just rude and uncalled for, attacking my ability to parent.

Just before that after the offer was presented I put the kids to bed. I come down stairs and she was on the phone with her parent about the offer. She had not even discussed it with me yet. And she is talking them that she is not talking the offer. Disrespectful. I mentioned it to her that she had not even talked to me yet and your telling your parents what is going to be done?

She brushes it off saying that it did not matter the offer was so bad.

I was expecting an apology but none.

She texted me about my Lawyer and house stuff, She did mention she is stress at work also and cant wait till a big project is done next week.

I don't know if that is her way of saying sorry?

[otw]

you set a good boundary.

I think you need to ignore her texts. The way she is treating you and disrespectful. You need to minimize your contact with her.

If she finally comes around and asks what is wrong then you can have the conversation that you do not appreciate the things she is saying to you or how she is treating you.

Dont expect this to go well. say your peace and let her go a little crazy then walk away. She will need to time to process.

see what happens after that. I think she knows she still has you if she wants you and will treat you however you want. Time to stand up and make yourself known.

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

I replied to W and then read your reply after. Bad timing? I just said it was not cool that she disrespected me in the ways mentioned above, my parenting, not talking about the house to me first and blaming me for child's cavities.

I also gave an update about my lawyer then I validated her that she said that she will do great at her work project.

She replied back saying that she takes it all back she know that I am a good parent and the cavities are not my fault and that she was just giving her parents info and not making decisions with out me.

I didn't reply to that.

Later she texts she is not going to her weekly weight loss meeting and what to do about dinner. Well she was going to be out late and I normally take kids skating so told her that and invited her if she wanted to come. She agreed and said we could go out for dinner after.

So that all happens. It was fun and good family time.

Last night after kids were in bed, she calls me over and said that she will be bringing the kids to her cousins house on Sat for a quick Easter dinner. That was her wording. I guess to make it less painful for me. The she wanted us to do something with the kids on Sunday together. I mentioned a local Easter egg hunt that they could go to. ( I try to look for things to do with the kids so that I have ideas when W asks. I don't want to ever say I don't know what do you want to do) So that's good we will be doing that.

Then today It hits me that we are going to loose all that soon. All this family time together. And I get really sad about it. I am better now, but those highs get you so high that the fall down is very hard.

Worth it for sure as it will be great memories for the kids.