Sunday had derby practice then spent the day with kids playing games and homework and a little tv with wife. Did have to do bills, hung up a picture that has been there since before xmas (yikes), cleaned out the traps and drains from all the bathroom sink (yucks).
Also did a little shopping with wife on saturday afternoon. More on that later.
Did figure skating lessons on monday, then gym and guitar. I also went and bought myself some new skates so i dont have to borrow any from the rink...yay!
Today i will go to roller derby practice then gym.
Wednesday i have a school board meeting for facility committee i got involved with last fall.
Then thursday off to florida. We are going to drive so will get down there friday night. I will post some when i get there.
So anything more...yes, i continue to struggle sometimes. Some days wife and i take shower together, we change in front of each other, show each other bruises or injuries from all the activity...even when we went shoping she had me 'help' pick out new bathing suit and nighty. She is often very warm...then other times, just sooo cold.
Grest example, The other day i went to reach for the shifter while i was driving, and wife actually flinched like i was a stranger on a train or something. It was disheartening.
I dont want to belabor this...i realize there is just so much other crap in motion here. I know this all takes time. Knowing this still doesnt make things easier to live with. I just feel those situations, where her actions (away from me) speak way louder than her words or actions towards me.
Have to go, but one other topic i have been trying to explore...is my sensitivity / history with rejection. There are tons of indicators that my fathers treatment of me have a foothold in my mind.
The more i keeo digging into that the more i see how my fathers lack of affection, acceptance or involvement in my upbringing laid the ground works. He worked hard, yes ...it is where i got MY work ethic...as my brothers too, but he wasnt around. I remeber only a few instances where he showed me any positive reinforcement with anything i did right or worked hard at, none of my 'victories', nothing.
I remeber he used to whip out a$$es for punishment, no matter if we were guilty of something or not, until there was an admittamce of guilt from one of the four of us. I remeber vividly admitting to something my brother(s) did to stop us all getting whipped more. This happened multiple times.
Yesterday i was sitting at my desk thinking through these sorts of situations trying to rationalize it all, but i couldnt. My father was not in the right. As i was recalling a particularly angry father duung on of these belt whipping sessions while he swung away at four kids with bare backsides...i could only picture my own children in my brothers place. Yesterday at my desk, i balled for hours with the anger at my father for that. It haunted me deeply thinking that i could not protect my brothers except by taking the blame myself and getting extra punishment. We are talkin 10 year olds +/-. I am still having problems right now with thst. I went home and just hugged them both last night.
He was wrong. I know that now. I thought for years he was doing what he knew. F-that. He was wrong and that is something i will need to work on moving forward with forgiveness when i am ready. My brothers have discussed it barely, again something i will breach with them moving forward.
Is this my connection with my wifes past that HB and so many others talk about, maybe. I continue to serch for answers for my behaviors, for truggers for hers...fruitless maybe. I have to keep unraveling my past tring to figure me out...i know there is more with my mother with her controlling, passive-agressive guilt-first upbring style...but that is for another day I've typed enough today on the phone.
