Saw H again this morning. He stopped by to pick up an important doc that he needs to start his new job or else he can't work.
He was supposed to come by early in the morning and at first I was just going to hand it to him but then I decided to do the opposite of what I want to do - which is see him. So I told him I would leave it for him, implying that I would still be asleep when he came by.
When I woke up, it was still where I left it and he texts me and asks me to bring it with me to work so that he can pick it up during lunch. I said, sure - completely messed up my plan of trying to make myself unavailable. Then he texts and says nevermind, I'm coming now. So I tried to just leave before he got there but I was also getting ready and he kinda beat me to it. So I saw him, he gave me the most delicious hug and kiss on the cheek and asked me about something I did yesterday and said thank you, and that he appreciates my help. Then he left.
Grrrrrr.......my DB was not as stellar as it could be. And I so wanted to just leave it for him and avoid him to make myself unavailable. This is so hard but I do notice I'm detaching better and better. I'm allowing the rope to slip even though its up and down.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
