I Used to Like Rollercoasters

[HopeRB]

It's new thread time again, quick synopsis:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...126#Post2661126

H and I have been together for 9 years now, married 4. H walked out in August of last year and we had a false start over Thanksgiving only to be told two weeks later he would not be coming home as he said we would eventually be getting a D. Knocked me down b/c I thought we were making progress but I was so wrong. We went NC for about 2.5 months until he contacted me (under the urging of his brother who reminded him that he still had a wife).

He came to "check up" on me a few weeks ago and we had a nice time while talking about splitting everything up. Very weird state to be in. The he comes over again this past weekend, and the same thing happens only this time, a little bit more R talk. I half DB'd and half told him exactly how I've been feeling overwhelmed and that I did not want the D but I respected his thoughts and actions. I could have DB'd better...and every time I don't do well, I feel like I have to start all over again...which really s****. I don't know what this is all about. H says he didnt expect this and doesn't want this but feels its "the right thing to do", but then says he thinks about the opposition/alternative.

I don't know...I will keep trying my damnedest to move forward - but not totally move on from my M. To me that's detaching from the outcome, 180s (which are really helpful for me), Dbing, etc. Not a fan of this rollercoaster. Wishing H would come around and let up a little but I guess that would be asking too much and expecting. Hard to not expect anything but still have faith and hope.

[HopeRB]

IYeah I hear you hope. I feel the same thing. I can't work on R alone without any investment from WW. I do not see any investment from WW, so the best I can do is to take another step forward.

I also have this thought running through my mind today. They say the anger and resentment took years to build until it got to where we are and of course it does not go away overnight. My question is what builds in us during the time we are DBing. Some of us continue to get more angry, some depressed, some, anxiety, and so on. I get that GALing and other methods are truly concerning with alleviating this but really what builds inside of us during this time? I do not think it is our love for our WAS or WS.

Tim, I agree with you on can't do it alone without investment in some way on their end but then again, isn't that what this is all about...to make ourselves better for our future, with or without our WAS? With the little hope that detaching will make them want to invest?

Also, I am not even sure what 's building up inside of me. I know there' anger, there's some weird version of resentment. There's love also building - which I can't even explain. I have ups and down, anxiety attacks, very sad and lonely nights and weekends, massive confusion, body aches and other physical ailments. But thank God for GALing b/c that really helps me to remember and realize that I am my own person, and have the power to make myself happy - whatever that looks like at any given time.

Hope, i don't know how true this is, but maybe they wake up then engage contact to have those conversations?

That's an interesting perspective. He seems more open to talking about how he truly feels and why he feels that way. I find that when I validate, he feels more inclined to share. I used to shut him down in cold blood with my defensiveness and attacking his feelings, saying they were wrong. I don't do that anymore. But again, no expectations, right?

[GWH]

Right, no expectations.

[HopeRB]

Saw H again this morning. He stopped by to pick up an important doc that he needs to start his new job or else he can't work.

He was supposed to come by early in the morning and at first I was just going to hand it to him but then I decided to do the opposite of what I want to do - which is see him. So I told him I would leave it for him, implying that I would still be asleep when he came by.

When I woke up, it was still where I left it and he texts me and asks me to bring it with me to work so that he can pick it up during lunch. I said, sure - completely messed up my plan of trying to make myself unavailable. Then he texts and says nevermind, I'm coming now. So I tried to just leave before he got there but I was also getting ready and he kinda beat me to it. So I saw him, he gave me the most delicious hug and kiss on the cheek and asked me about something I did yesterday and said thank you, and that he appreciates my help. Then he left.

Grrrrrr.......my DB was not as stellar as it could be. And I so wanted to just leave it for him and avoid him to make myself unavailable. This is so hard but I do notice I'm detaching better and better. I'm allowing the rope to slip even though its up and down.

[HopeRB]

Feeling annoyed and like a damn fool now.

[HopeRB]

Feeling pretty sad tonight.

[Sparkls]

Hugs. We're here for ya babe. You're doing great. You're going to make some other guy incredibly happy someday very soon! You're H is an idiot but at least you have beautiful kiddos to show for it. And they've got a great mom so they're going to be just fine in life.

[Sparkls]

I'm dumb. That was supposed to be on Broke's.

[Zues126]

I like your title. It reminds me of the joke where you bring a few nuts and bolts with you when you ride a roller coaster, then right when you're at the top and about to go over the hill you show them to the guy in the seat in front of you and say "whoa dude, these just came off your seat!!!"



Anyway, just wanted to check in. You're doing good. It takes a while to drop the rope, you don't have to feel stupid that you continue to hold it. Just keep breathing and posting and it will all be ok.

[Vanilla]

Hugs

V