I keep reading some definitions on the threads which had me confused for quite a while.
I thought I would post my understanding of it.
No contactno contact to me is absolutely that. It works both ways, firstly you never contact your wayward or those who seek to abuse you. No contact ever. And you put yourself in the position where you are not even tempted to respond. You block their calls, emails and if you can you move away. No FB, no research on them, you use an L for contact and you cut it very short and sweet even to your L about your doings. No leakage. No thinking if only, the wayward and the MLC together with any one abuses you. GONE. Not to punish them; it is intended to protect yourself. Absolutely. The R is dead, you may not accept it like it or even want it. Like V you stand for your M (not WS) until the ink is final. That means the other no longer has any place in your life at all. You detox. At this stage I have been NC for almost 12 months and I have not yet completely detoxed, I may still be addicted and at risk of being recycled.
No response this is what the majority of those who say NC are actually doing. The WS, MLCer or someone who seeks to abuse can still contact them and then they chose not to respond. This is not NC. There needs to be great care with this as it can be punitive and damaging. Not responding for effect is likely punishing the other. Revenge tactics not defensive and can of itself be abusive. This is still being a target. It is still being addicted and contact by the other may trigger.
It says "yes, if you change your ways or pretend to do so and beg to come back then I will open my heart". It leaves the door wide open when it should be shut tight. It takes a great deal of work to move on and change from being capable of systemic abuse. It won't happen over night or in a short period. To recover from being a target can take as long as one year for each year of abuse up to five years and one year for each of five years after that. So an abuse life of 15 years may take 7 years of recovery.
After that consider contact with a reformed SO.
Low contact or Friendly Neighbour this limits contact to the bare minimum and especially on co parenting with kids. Use on line schedules, third parties and Ls. No discussion of any type of R, minimum joint attendance at events. No FB and just bare cordiality.
Once D is finalised then NC is advise if there are no children.
Warmth only as if chatting to a neighbour. Not advisable in an abuse sitch.
Grey Rock be like a grey stone, boring, dull and uninteresting. Do not react to anything. The other rants and blames and name calls. In addition this means a post face, expressionless and unresponsive. It means saying nothing controversial.
It means not responding to taunts, lies or smears. These resolve in time as the exposure of the abuse becomes uncovered. It will as the irrationality is exposed.
It means saying, "that's interesting", "stop" "I will not be abused" and "have you finished ranting now?" Plus "I hear you and am leaving". "You assume I agree with you and my view is very different".
It means looking poor, unresolved, dull, and arriving looking unattractive, down at heel. Uninteresting.
Grey breeze block means being grey rock or stone with a twist. That twist is there is a grey wall in front of you and you are high functioning behind the wall.
Only the other sees the dull bland grey wall.
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You can't persuade yourself that you are NC if you are intermittent contact or permit the other to contact you. NC means NC in all ways.
That is how I define it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
