Roiste, I think you raise an interesting question for Mut. What is fun for you Mut. Who do you have fun with? What is like to have fun without your wife?
As a reflection for myself I have always struggled to play and have fun. I was always a serious child and play did come naturally. I am envious of others who find it easier to let go and be silly and play.
Alcohol was an easy choice in my late teens and early adulthood as means of letting go. I was always the life of the party when I would drink. It allowed me to let go of inhabitions.
I remain a serious reflective soul ( a natural introvert), but learning to play more would be good for me I think.
It is interesting I am naturally attracted to people and friendships where play comes quite naturally to them. In some way they show me a way to let go and enjoy the lighter side to my personality.
Could any of this be true for you Mut?
We are only left with impressions from the written word. I get the sense that you can be silly, delightful and playful under the right circumstances.
I also have the impression however that at present being reflective, quiet, and passive is important to you. I'm projecting likely and mind-reading here, but it feels that you continue to pay penance for the sins of your marriage and living without fun, light, friendship and love is the price you have to pay.
Forgive me if I have taken a step too far in my comments, it is not my intention to leave you feeling less than or sad.
I'm just not sure if there is any need to suffer your pain. It is bad enough to feel it, but to suffer it, seems soul destroying. I should know Mut. I lived my life for many years in this manner.
Always with much love and respect Mut. Write to me.
Hi everyone, I will respond to your questions in my next post. Right now I want to post this while it's still fresh in my head.
Thirty years and hour ago I met my wife. A day I will always look upon fondly. I wanted to say something to her without turning it into a "relationship" talk. She was working and I asked her for a moment and she said yes. I said that we had met thirty years ago and I was glad we had. I then said that I would like to try to improve our relationship but will respected her wish for time and space. I closed with saying that if she ever wanted to work on the relationship that I was open to it. That was it and she said "Thank you for telling me" and went back to work.
What do you think? I didn't think it would have much if any impact but wanted to say something. 30 years together and I feel like a beggar with his hat in his hand looking for scraps. Where did the love go?
Thanks for coming by Fogg, you too Dday. I really miss you guys, how about some updates. Roiste, the IC is making me aware of my triggering schemas and how to manage it. We spend a lot of time discussing how I process the weekly events and my reactions. I am getting better managing it. Your next question was a good one, what do I do for fun. Jelly then explored the question even more, thank you Jelly I need to answer your questions, it will force me to examine myself. I am glad you asked.
What is like to have fun without your wife? I like to create. I like to design and build things. When I think of my life without my wife I see myself building my house and then creating art for a living. This is fun.
Could any of this be true for you Mut? I am outgoing but there are introvert tendencies. I'm not sure what I am. I like to joke around and am not serious by nature. I am serious when I create.
"I also have the impression however that at present being reflective, quiet, and passive is important to you. I'm projecting likely and mind-reading here, but it feels that you continue to pay penance for the sins of your marriage and living without fun, light, friendship and love is the price you have to pay." Your right on target with this thought. Wow, your good. Thank you Jelly. I'm tired, I'll post more tomorrow. Be well
How do you give to others when in their company? I do not.
How do you receive from others? I do not.
When and what do you last do with someone else or group that involved frivolity and mindless nonsense or meaningful fun and connection? Nothing since I met my wife.
For me that is not living. Some people don't need others to have fun and enjoy life. But most people do.
I will admit that it is not easy, especially if being a loner has become a habit. I speak from experience. In the last year I have greatly increased my interactions with others, I do more stuff that I enjoy. I take pleasure in little stuff and enjoy myself at times. I am not at the really having fun stage yet but there are sparks of it from time to time. It is not automatic and will take time but it can be done.
One of Sandi's rules tells us to move on with our lives, with or without spouse. Another program phrased it like: show your spouse you are going to live your life and not be unhappy waiting for them to decide if they stay or go. Another says the happier you are the better your chances of saving your M. But it is even more important in saving the LBS.
You are a good man with a good heart. Many would have advised not to mention it. I think you were right to mention it being 30 years and that you don't regret your time together. I am not sure that mentioning working on it was a good step, even if you added that you respect her stance. I can explain why I think this, but I imagine you have read as much as I have on this.
Your W did not explode, did not reiterate her feelings and did nit restate categorically that will never happen. I am not saying that to give you false hope, but to highlight that it could have been a lot worse.
Now go show her that although you still want to reconcile that you are going to live your life fully regardless. ACTIONS speak louder than words.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I am not someone that is ever the life of the party. I am more comfortable with one on one conversation or with a small group. I go out with friends that are pretty extroverted and I am usually described as reserved, but meeting someone that you connect with socially (male of female) is really a mood elevator. I have to say that going out and talking and socializing and meeting new people helped me to get out of my depression. Have you tried this?
JellyB. I too have always wished I was lighter and more playful socially as well! So happy you brought this up, as many of us on these boards are leaving the comfort of their partnership and nights at home with spouse and find themselves entering a whole new world that involves going out and meeting new people.
