Sparkling none the wiser

[Sparkls]

I wasn't so much doing it to "keep" him and make him "like" me.
I did it because I have a very hard time being selfish. Like, I hate calling people because I feel like I"m always bothering them. (ongoing personal struggle, been working on it).
I didn't believe that if I closed the relationship, he would break up with me. I just didn't feel it was "fair" when I was the one who had fooled around in my early twenties and he didn't. Of course now that seems ridiculous. But when I said I couldn't handle the open relationship thing, that was me finally deciding to be selfish. I needed him to be focused on me. ANd his response was to essentially say "Naw, I don't wanna. I"mma keep doing what I"m doing and just not tell you. And opps, now I have feelings or whatever."

I do think I settled for a lot. I didn't ask for him to change. I didn't ask him to go outside his comfort zone to do something for me (like the romance thing, I never asked him to send me flowers.). It wasn't because I thought he would break up with me if I did, I just was more comfortable not getting what I wanted than trying assert my own desires.
My own needs have always taken the backburner in every relationship of my life. Work, school, friends, bf, parents. I'm the person that's always there for everyone else, but will suffer in silence when something's wrong with me.

As far as did I feel valued. I did until maybe a year or two ago. I felt loved. I felt he was proud of me and respected me. I felt secure, that he would be there for me if I needed him. It was one of those where if something was bothering me, he could tell. And wouldn't let it go until he knew I was ok. I don't know when that changed. Subtle changes I suppose.

So what do I need out of a relationship?
I need a partner. Someone to share my life with, not someone who's just along for the ride. The list is a lot longer but I don't need to post it here yet.