Baby steps

[Painter]

H's job is safe, so that's good news.

We are putting the oldest dog to sleep on Wednesday. He is getting weaker and is clearly miserable. It's been a year of steady downhill. We got him when our M was new - it brings back a lot of memories.

I am focusing on the things I can do in the city I'm moving to (it's quite rural here). Looking up activities online and contacting friends I made there when I visited before. It helps more than I expected to turn my mind onto that.

Also realized that it would be too easy to turn to H for support if I stayed close. When I move so far away, I *have* to manage on my own.

I still can't make complete sense of his behavior. I would like to understand so I can respond appropriately. I can't tell if he is conflicted, or relieved I'm leaving and just eating cake. Tonight, he came into my office and stroked my hair, commenting on how soft it was. He keeps touching me and looking at me.

I have spent some time thinking about how it was before he switched. That's how it has been for the majority of the time, so that's most likely reality. I'm trying not to let this throw me.