Roiste, I think you raise an interesting question for Mut. What is fun for you Mut. Who do you have fun with? What is like to have fun without your wife?
As a reflection for myself I have always struggled to play and have fun. I was always a serious child and play did come naturally. I am envious of others who find it easier to let go and be silly and play.
Alcohol was an easy choice in my late teens and early adulthood as means of letting go. I was always the life of the party when I would drink. It allowed me to let go of inhabitions.
I remain a serious reflective soul ( a natural introvert), but learning to play more would be good for me I think.
It is interesting I am naturally attracted to people and friendships where play comes quite naturally to them. In some way they show me a way to let go and enjoy the lighter side to my personality.
Could any of this be true for you Mut?
We are only left with impressions from the written word. I get the sense that you can be silly, delightful and playful under the right circumstances.
I also have the impression however that at present being reflective, quiet, and passive is important to you. I'm projecting likely and mind-reading here, but it feels that you continue to pay penance for the sins of your marriage and living without fun, light, friendship and love is the price you have to pay.
Forgive me if I have taken a step too far in my comments, it is not my intention to leave you feeling less than or sad.
I'm just not sure if there is any need to suffer your pain. It is bad enough to feel it, but to suffer it, seems soul destroying. I should know Mut. I lived my life for many years in this manner.
Always with much love and respect Mut. Write to me.
