Way Too Late Pt 3

[1313]

So, I'm driving to the market in the rain this afternoon. I start getting flooded with all these thoughts - thinking of when this started after she came back to her office. When the gaslighting started in earnest. But mostly, the things she said to me at the end. Really hurtful, really weird stuff. Disturbing almost.

All the things she brought up about sex, basically saying she wouldn't have married me - or wanted to back out - a terrible honeymoon night (the entire honeymoon therefore was null and void), all these other circumstances or things that happened as far as sex or feeling let down or whatever. I also don't like it when she's drunk. She doesn't remember, and I can't tell you how many times she's just passed out.

I could tell you all the things she said - I think it would shock even some of the vets. I've honestly blocked it out - but when I reflect - she's hinted at these same things for years.

Believe half of what they say...

Still. All this makes me think of is how "fulfilled" she's feeling with the OM, and how she's had to harbor these thoughts and feelings for 30 years. I have no such resentment. Sure, if I think hard - but it's just as easy to let go. And when you're almost 60, other things start to become just as important or more so.

So now I wonder. If she were to come crawling back tomorrow. Do I want this?

I know I've said I would do anything. I still love her with all my heart. It hurts to be without her. I miss her, I miss her friendship. I feel a void that will never be filled. However, another pain is no longer present. Is she really happy now? Can I deny her that if I've been such a complete letdown? Is it that important to her? Even though she went through early menopause - maybe her lack of desire had nothing to do with that at all. Was it me all along?

I don't know. What I do know is that I can't return to that. Yes, it would have to be a "new" relationship with "new" people, but can it ever be? The things I would have to move past. Not just the terrible things she said about me, about us, but the OM as well. Somebody who I don't ever see her cutting ties with. The more this goes on, the more I realize it's a fantasy. We're both living in one. I could almost deal with her A if she cut ties - but the things she said about the past go much deeper.

I've got to drop the rope now. It kills me. It hurts something awful. But I'm not sure what I'd find at the other end of that rope if I pulled it in now.