Sparkling none the wiser

[Sparkls]

Journaling:
Had to spend a lot of time in the car today and was just thinking, non emotionally, about everything that's happened.
I would still like H to come back, but there are a lot of changes that would need to happen.
My dad sent me flowers for getting into residency. And I realized my dad is the only man who has ever sent me flowers. H was never a romantic. I didn't mind, it was one of those things that I accepted as a compromise for being with him.
But as I was driving, I realized just how much compromising I had done. And how little he had. And that would really have to change. I know every relationship is a balancing act, but it was weighted pretty heavily towards him. On D-day he tried to make it seem like he had given up *SO* much to be with me. That he didn't follow his dreams because of me. But that's just not really true. Or if it is, that was entirely his doing. He's said for years he wants to go back to college but has never tried. Things like that.
He blames me for how little he feels he has to show for his life, but that isn't my doing. I would've supported him whatever he wanted to do. And will do so if he ever comes back.

But looking at it objectively, from a point of not hurting and not fear, I don't think he's going to be the kind of guy who's willing to make those changes. It's so much work and he's just shown time and again that when given the choice between what is right and what is easy, he chooses what's easy. I know he's capable of the other choice, that's why I was with him. But he isn't making those kinds of choices right now in his full on wayward state. Maybe when the fog clears, he'll walk out of it.
One of the conversations I had with his aunt a while ago was talking about how much alike the boys in H's family are. His dad chose to walk away from his family. His uncle had the same choice, and spent a really long time figuring out what kind of man he wanted to be. He decided and actively worked on being a family man. H's aunt warned him that he was going to have to make the same decision. To grow up, accept responsibility and hardship and self-sacrifice. Or to not. We know what path he's heading down now...

Only time will tell if that changes.