Sooo, reading some threads and I feel like an idiot. Can I get some clarify if R talks are a no no, or ok...I know I am not supposed to start them, but should I try to validate her feelings without being a doormat if she starts one ?
Or Follow a dialog similar to above and be mysterious?
Is validation just supposed to be used to deescalate when needed?
Should I only validate when something new is mentioned by her and not just more of the same? My mind is a pretzel.
Also, hope Squiggy is well. Haven't head from him in a bit.
Also, I think after you make your point know, it just seems like pursuing or opens up the conversation to a bunch of areas that you probably shouldn't go.
Exactly!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Great examples by Sandi again. We can all learn from this good stuff.
We are all "being played". But I like the concept of LBH becoming a challenge againg. Mystery as Sandi advised me. What's the worse that can happen. They D us? It gives us alittle sense of empowerment don't you think?
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
How did you go the route of no direct action on your part, without trying to "nice". I afraid my version would lead her to try to use me as a doormat, but I guess that's where the boundaries are so important. Of course then, you have to make sure the boundaries are to manipulate, punish, or vindictive. Is it via NC, good boundaries and dropping the rope?
What types of boundaries did you put in place with your WW?
How did you deal with the threats around kids?
Can you elaborate on what no direct action on your part means to you?
What happened was I tried to be the perfect husband and took her on dates, etc. and did everything that she complained that I didn't do before, e.g. folding the laundry promptly, opening doors for her, etc. Then she said I was "being fake" and I should stop doing it. During this time, she was secretly plotting the D and she had a retainer agreement that I found.
I found that any action I take toward M or R was being met with scorn and distrust. For example, I proposed mediation instead of going to court. She at first thought it was a good idea, then thought I was "fooling her." Also, when I found the retainer agreement, we agreed to split up the credit cards to hers and mine. Then afterwards she accused me of "controlling and manipulating" her. It's a no win situation. So now I avoid any type of action that she can claim that.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
WW is really wanting her settlement now before she even files. Terms are agreeable, BUT L said that even if we had an agreement in writing it was questionable if it would hold up in the D if WW decided to change her mind for whatever reason. WW hasn't filed yet, and I keep telling her that I will follow the process of how a D works and am not comfortable otherwise.
WW wants me to give her a reason, and I'm just like, " because that's how D works". I want to tell her that I don't trust her and that if she changes her mind once she blows the cash, it could be a problem for me....NOT going to say that though OR should I be honest? Just going to keep it @ Because that's how it works, but I feel like that is a really cold answer. Is that just the "Mr. Nice Guy" in me for feeling like that is cold?
I would like to just get this done, but I really don't trust this person that she has become, so selfish. She says she needs the money to live, but she is the one who chose to make monetary commitments before she has income coming in. I am going to set a clear boundary along the lines of:
"I understand that it must be tough with the situation you have chosen, but I have told you that I will not facilitate this divorce (I think she wants the cash to file). When you contiune to request this, it makes me feel as though you do not respect my position on this subject. If you continue to ask for the settlement outside of the legal process I will not reply to text and will end the conversation if we are talking"
Should I drop the validation or "Sitch you have chosen" part?
WW wants me to give her a reason, and I'm just like, " because that's how D works". I want to tell her that I don't trust her and that if she changes her mind once she blows the cash, it could be a problem for me....NOT going to say that though OR should I be honest? Just going to keep it @ Because that's how it works, but I feel like that is a really cold answer. Is that just the "Mr. Nice Guy" in me for feeling like that is cold?
"I have learned I cannot trust you. If you want a divorce, this is how it works".
Quote:
"I understand that it must be tough with the situation you have chosen, but I have told you that I will not facilitate this divorce (I think she wants the cash to file). When you contiune to request this, it makes me feel as though you do not respect my position on this subject. If you continue to ask for the settlement outside of the legal process I will not reply to text and will end the conversation if we are talking"
If you are setting a boundary to protect yourself emotionally, then don't make it about her. Don't try to turn a boundary statement into validation.
Personally, I don't see the point, but I guess that's just me. I think it would be more effective to just respond with, "In order to protect myself, I have decided to follow the legal process".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think I know the answer should be no based on DB principles but I thought I would ask anyways. Do you think I should offer a small amount to help, just to not look controlling or spiteful? I am not giving her the $$ to get a place, she already got it. It is not anything other than a part of what we agreed she is entitled to anyways. I guess that means I am "bailing her out" of the decisions she made and that is a no-no. Thing is she is asking for way less than she could be and I can't stop thinking about Fade's post when I asked this question earlier (see Fade's answer below) Earlier I think no was the right choice, but now she has already made the "leap" so it's not so much enabling bad behavior as it is bailing out. "I could probably give you advice either way. Do you stand firm for your convictions and give her nothing - and risk her seeing a lawyer and trying to take you for everything? Or do you placate her with what she wants - at an absolute minimum, in order to get favorable settlement for you, and knowing that she is heading for a train wreck. Sometimes giving them $ is just setting precedent for what you will pay forever. Other times if you cut her off, she might go get emergency orders and that would no doubt be bad for you.
But other than that, I am reminded of something an old mentor at my first job told me. I was young and new but had to make a few important, difficult decisions. Either way I went was fraught with risk and I was frozen in fear, unable to make any decision. When I asked for advice he said I had no reason to worry about my choice, because any decision I made would be terrible. Not exactly helpful, right? But eventually I understood what he meant. I shouldn't have worried so much about making the wrong choice and just made a choice and concentrated on managing the outcomes because I never really had the control to avoid a bad outcome with any decision I made.
So my not exactly helpful advice to you is dont stress too much about any decision you make. You really have no control to make your WW come back, so dont think that hangs on every decision you make. But you absolutely can work now to manage the outcomes either way, and in my book, that is living honorably, build a strong relationship with your kids and gaining maximizing custody rights, and having financial security while minimizing any ongoing support you have to pay. And I always say if you do that, then eventually you will have better choices to make."
This will not set a precedents and I think this is the honorable route to take (although not the most DB, it will help with financial outcome of D, and not create animosity for relationship with Kids (although who knows what the next thing I say this about will be) So conflicted because I am pretty sure that there is always going to be something that I feel this way about until it is over.
I am basically at the point of going "ALL IN" on DB priciples
