Dang IT!! I got a temp check last night and fell for it.
She wanted to talk about "things" which were what I assumed related to logistics. She again said that she was going to be filing "This week" to which i said, we have discussed this before and that it wasn't my choice and if she needs to do it, there is really no point in discussing when with me. The temp check came next. She was like, "you don't want this? Your not really acting like you want to work on things." She said she was scared that she didn't think she could trust ME and it gave her anxiety even thinking about it. I told her I was scared too at the thought of trying to rebuild, that I have come to realize that the MC we saw TWICE was not equipped to be a MC and that I was now seeing a solution oriented IC and seeing lots of progress when I discuss a solution and not just "how I feel or what I am upset about for 50 minutes and then leaving".
I said our old M is dead etc, we both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and it is normal to be scared and not sure if we can fix it, but the first step is just committing to wanting to fix our M. She basically said that even if we D, we can still take time to work on ourselves and "tons of people S or D and end up back together". Keep US as a plan B is what I heard. I want to go see if there is someone better for me, someone better than you, I want to go party and live a single life, is what I heard.
I shut down the "tons of people get back together" with that I was afraid that once the D happened, to many things can/will happen which would probably make a future for us impossible. She got defensive and was basically like, "if you feel that way then fine, I guess that is how it will be but I need to continue with the D.now. I need this time to work on myself"
I wanted to back track and say something like...no, no, I would still be open in the future but didn't. She got me, but it wasn't a complete fail, was it? How could I DB better in that sitch? I did get her to tell me her feelings and a chance to validate, so that was a plus.
I know it is BS that she didn't know that I was against the D, which obviously means that I want to work it out. Maybe she thought I just wanted to go back to the same old M, so glad I said what I did.
How can I reply with something short and simple?
Also, glad that I said once it was done it is probably done forever To try to counter her thoughts of me as a plan B.
Was that wrong?
I also let her know that I had already boxed up her stuff that she was going to come by and get. That had her literally stutter in shock. Just said, yep. Your not here anymore and I needed the space for kids, thought it would be easier to just get it into the garage instead of you being her all day boxing stuff around the house.
THEN, she followed that up with more requested for $$$.
She came by this AM to get some boxes, mentioned something about my not giving her $$$ contradicted with what I said last night (R talk/temp check). I just said I don't know what to say, "I want to be with someone who wants to be with me" she said so did she. I just shrugged and went back to doing things.
I feel bad for her, she is struggling, but I know that I cannot enable her. She made her decision to do this and other choices and this is just part of the process.
I am going to talk to L and see if we can draw up an agreement now on settlement and just give it to her. Just to drop the rope and not do something she sees as passive aggressive and controlling by not give to her now what we agreed she would get in the D.
I am just focusing on whats best for the kids.
Ok, looking for a 2x4 where I failed and advice on how to improve.
