Who am I and what do I want?

[JGuy]

Thanks for that advice, JujuB.

I went through a period of about 2 months during January and February where I completely withdrew emotionally from my W. I was kind and open-hearted, but I really let go of all expectations. Stopped calling her "honey" and stopped all pursuing. Mid-February she started saying that the OM was out of the picture for good, that things had shifted for her, that she wanted to save the M. Our couples counseling session became more fruitful since then. We are learning a lot about ourselves and each other through it. We are back to calling each other "honey" again, and we have been kissing and cuddling a bit. But she is still emotionally distant, resistant to being close.

One of the main concerns I continue to have is that the reasons for my W wanting to save the M seem to be the wrong reasons (fear, not love). She is afraid of all the upset that a D would cause our son and our lifestyle. She is attached to the familiarity of me, our home, our life together. She gets emotionally overwhelmed and cries easily when she thinks about ending the M. Nowhere in all of this do I sense that she wants to save the M because of her love for ME. She doesn't seem to really want ME. She rarely initiates any intimacy. Most evenings she is happy to just keep herself busy with her own things and avoid me. Exercise and watching soap operas. She herself has admitted that she just wants all of the comforts of the M without any of the burden that comes with caring for me and my needs. I am not demanding, but anytime I try to express any needs, it comes across that way and has the effect of pushing her away. I am very tired of this dynamic. I just want to be with someone who wants me, who enjoys spending quality time with me, and who needs physical touch like I do.

A secondary and growing concern I continue to have is just how different my W and I are. We enjoy such different things, and my W has never had any interest in trying activities that we could both enjoy. We are just so different in some fundamental ways, philosophically. When I imagine a future with her, even if we can heal from the affairs, I imagine it always being somewhat sad and unfulfilling for me. It was always like this, even before she became wayward. The magnitude of what would have to change for me to feel really happy and fulfilled just seems so unrealistic. I am awkwardly inching toward admitting that all along, I was minimizing my needs and staying in denial about how unfulfilled I was. Don't get me wrong though, my W is such a lovely person. We are just so different. I think I may just be an idiot when it comes to wisely assessing whether someone is right for me.

The last week has been heavy and sad. Glimpses of a happiness and freedom that lies beyond this very hard decision to leave my M. Amidst all the fear and self-doubt, I have been experiencing a growing feeling that ending the M is probably the best thing for us both in the long run. Probably best for our son as well. I want him to have parents who are in love and with a strong, alive growth relationship. I know I can give him that as an example, but I just can't imagine how it would ever be possible with my W.

Feeling scared, uncertain. Wanting to continue taking it slow, but also feeling a strong impulse to push forward and lead in the right direction, giving my W her freedom back, and taking back mine. Through the fear and out the other side...