Thanks everyone. I had a panic attack at church and that was very hard.
But on the other side of that H said he would come over, and he did. I made dinner and we talked about bills, taxes, finances, his goal to get us out of debt, his job, my search for a job, what to do about the apartment, our friends, etc. There was laughter, but I also made a point to let him know I don't want the D and that I wish he would stop telling ppl that I agreed to it and how It hurts that people know more about my M than I do.
I know I messed up. I figure I've slightly dropped the rope so it doesn't matter if I'm honest with my feelings. I was light and airy and validating but at the same time telling him that sh** is real and I'm actually really struggling. He keeps telling me he will help me with everything.
When we talked about taxes and insurance he said, "You do it, you always handle that stuff. You know what you're doing." And I said, "See, thats why you need me," as a little joke. So yeah, there's alot of things I probably should have kept to myself. I guess at this point I feel like everything else I do either pushes him away or gets me nowhere so why fake the funk?
He says he appreciated how accommodating I've been this entire time and made it seem like he knew it was time to accommodate me. He told me he doesn't know if he is the type to be married and doesn't want to be married. I listened, validated and told him the things I've realized about how our interaction used to be and how that may have affected his feelings on marriage. So yes, a bit of "reasoning" was thrown in there. At some point in the convo he says, "Sometimes I think this is the right thing to do and then sometimes I think about what the opposition/alternative is or could be. I just don't know. I know what it looks like it's going to happen but I don't know."
He stood up, asked me for a hug, I walked him outside and he mounted his bike and rode off in the snow/rain to his apt (I think). I'm not reading into it. He says he's sorry I'm hurt and in this position and he doesn't mean to hurt me and that he knows this isn't ideal. We prayed together, holding hands. Sigh, I'll keep detaching.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
