I have been doing the same DBD, I have made changes to the house we had been building together. First time in a long time I have gone and bought things without talking it through first. The kids have seen the changes and I'm sure have told her, partly think thats why she had been pushing to come to the house this past week. After picking up the kids today, they were all excited to see if I had made any new changes and ran round the house checking each room. I had put some pictures up this past week.
I'm enjoying making it my home, don't know how long I can keep the house by myself but while I'm here I will enjoy it.
Not from where I'm sitting. Your W is not thinking about your feelings, only her own. She is excited about her new life......and has the audacity to expect you to show excitement and compliment her new place. She is not being sensitive to your feelings b/c everything is about her.
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My MIL knows the whole sitch and she liked and commented "my great looking SIL" WTH? It's hard not to read into stuff.
Oh the subject of FB. Your MIL could have attempted to keep up appearances, IDK. Your W is going to pay extra attention to what you post......and any female posters responding. Now some LBH'S have used this to their advantage in showing they are GAL and not sitting at home crying over the W. It shows other women are noticing him. He doesn't have to be flirty, or anything, just the fact they are noticing him is enough to hit your W's female antenna. She may not want you, but she doesn't want you getting special attention from other ladies, either. I say not to intentionally set out to cause jealousy, but don't try to avoid it.
Other LBH'S cannot deal with the whole FB situation and block the W, her family, and her closest friends. So, do whatever you can handle, but don't get all frustrated at your W, or her mother, for their responses. It's all how women play the game with the opposite sex, and with each other, and with the public.
I would recommend that you avoid responding to any of your W's FB stuff. Even if she has pictures of her and the child. You are required to let it be known you see and approved. Let her wonder about it. You are Mr. Cool.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks GWH and Si. Thanks for the further insight Sandi. It is so valuable and very similar to what I was thinking at least with the FB deal. I will not solicit likes or comments but when they are given and by pretty gals, it works to my advantage in two ways. makes me feel attractive again and creates some wonder with W.
It's hard to create mystery when my whole life I have been a stand up, honest to a fualt, and loyal guy. I would not consider myself Mr. Nice Guy per say, but I do have some of those traits.
Today I filled her spaces with my stuff and me and S13 rearranged the whole l-room. It's now our place. She will get to see on Monday as she will be taking me to a med. procedure. i wish she wasnt but she insisted.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
Good job! Now when she sees it Monday, be prepared for any type of reaction. By prepare, I mean that you do not let her draw you into a R talk. She may not have much to say, or she could say something very sarcastic. Your job will be to stay Mr. Cool and not react.
Btw, since you have seen the inside of her new apartment, I think it would be to your advantage to not go inside when you are there to pick up S13. If he has a cell phone, you can text him when you drive up to the building.
I think it may help you right now, while you are trying to detach. If she invites you inside, politely decline. Don't accept invitations to have a cup of coffee, eat fresh baked goodies, or use your manly muscles to help her with something. It may be good to make it a point to be looking at something on your phone, or texting, looking at FB, you know.......looking busy and a bit preoccupied. You might flash her a smile, or even throw your hand up in a short wave........but something seems to have your attention while you are waiting for S13 to get inside the car. You may not understand the reasons behind all of this, but it actually makes you appear a little mysterious to your W. All she knows is that you aren't interested in having a couple of minutes with her, when only a short time ago you were desperately wanting her attention. See? It doesn't take much to be mysterious to a woman, b/c most females are naturally curious anyway. Oh, and always look happy. That will get her wheels turning, too. I know, you are thinking, "But what if she gets the idea I am happy she's left me"? Hummmm, what if she does? That's the thing she needs to be wondering about it. You guys are so afraid she will give up or think you don't want her back..........when actually that's what works in getting her interest and attraction in you jump started.
When you return S13, make sure you look smoking hot and in just a bit of a hurry to get somewhere.
Now, when she comes to your house to get S13, don't try to stop her from entering, b/c that was her home where a lot of memories were made. So when she goes inside, it could be a trigger to some of those feelings and aid in helping her miss those good times and the family atmosphere.......and of course, she has given that away and is now learning you are not going to play as if you all are still one big happy family.
When she goes to your house, she should see a clean, organized, and happy setting. Plenty of light, happy music in the background, and good smells in the air.
Don't tell S13 something to give him the idea any of this is to impress his mom. Never say anything about looking good for when mom gets there, or have the house cleaned before she comes, etc. Why? B/c she is going to pump him for information!! If you don't connect her name with any of this stuff you are doing, then S13 won't be able to tell her he thinks it is still all about her, right? Are getting what I am saying?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry for jumping in on your thread DBD but I just found Sandi's post enlightening. I have normally only one hand over, every 2 weeks to contend with and only had 2 so far. I haven't been into her apartment, even when she was looking for it and asked if I wanted to see pictures, I declined. Yesterday, I got caught a little too long as she kept trying to talk about kids stuff but threw in a couple of jabs along with it. Didn't handle the fist one the best but left with a chuckle at the second. W was not impressed though that I have not allowed her to come to the house. Know the kids are telling her the changes I'm making in the house and I think I have perked her curiosity. I have suggested neutral locations if she has further things to talk about so that I can leave if she tries anything.
Keep it up DBD, feels like we are in similar places right now.
Thanks Sandi. I will take your advice and regain my mystery.
I have to confess that I made big dent in my DB progress. I had been checking phone records and noticed a block a couple different times from a number I didnt recognize. I looked it up and it was a guy that she knows from a startup brewery that her and her friend were hleping at. I called her and asked her to come over that we needed she to talk. I wanted to see her mannerisms and body language. I confronted her about them and she explained their nature. She even showed me her phone and all the texts. She swore she had no attraction and I truly believe her. I didnt really want to, but I pressed her pretty hard and asked her, "what would you have done if you had come across this block of texts on my phone?" She said she would do the same thing. Ask me about them. So, she didnt get ticked and storm out. She actually lingered a bit too long for me chatting and playing with the cats.
She is even going to make me some food for after my colonoscopy tomorrow. I really can't figure it. The niceness like my old W really throws me off. Possibly just placating me. I wish I knew for sure, but don't we all.
So, back to it tomorrow and continue from where I was.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
I just can't understand W and why there is very little hostility or anger at all shown. I can't even describe it, but its very unnerving. Maybe numb would be the word? She realizes that she broke my heart and that is part of the reason for being concerned with me.
It's hard to detach when W is acting like old W when things were ok. I keep getting sucked back in when we have interactions.
I know R talk is off limits. Especially after such a short amount of time separated. But when does it get discussed?
If my W was combative or mean hateful etc. All of the dbing principles would apply to her. I'm just not sure how to use them on my mild mannered, nice-to-me wife.
I am just at a loss as how to figure it out as are all my friends and siblings.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
Wish I had some useful advice for you DBD, I have the anger and hostility from my W coupled with wanting to see me and open lines of communication. Wanting to come by the house when she told me before that she would only talk to me from the 'safety' of her own apartment.
I have been very confused lately as have my friends and family, it just feels like she is completely screwed up in her own head.
All I could say is keep on your own path. I think R talks should be initiated by W, we are to keep doing what we are doing and not try to analyse their behaviour too much. Something I struggle with but have been better since she left.
