MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART VI

[ItHurts]

Hey Thorton,
Good to hear from you but but you had to suffer through the sequel!! I'm sorry bro!
My update picks up where I left off back in August. Since my last WAW update about the flat tire interaction in August I had once again continued no contact until I heard from her in late October. I was the victim of a roadside robbery and was beaten up. My WAW heard about it and contacted me to check on me saying she wasn't sure if I wanted her to text buy that she felt like she had to. I played it cool and just said I don't care if you text or not. Then she said something like she wishes we had had kids together because then "it wouldn't be so weird" for her to text me. She said there's times she wants to text to say hi but doesn't because she thinks it might annoy me. She said it's hard not to want to talk to me sometimes because I was her best friend for a long time,especially when she hears or sees something that reminds her of me.

At the time she was writing this it was football season and we always had fun on "football Sundays" together cheering our team so she said she especially gets the urge to talk to me more during football season and the impending holidays. Then she asked about our cats... we'll call them Cat and Cat 2. We lost one cat while we were still together, the one that Cat lived with since he was a kitten, so we got Cat 2. Once we divorced I took Cat, the old cat, and Cat 2, the kitten we'd gotten the year before.
WAW mentioned how she misses Cat's housemate that died so much as it was her first pet she ever picked out and raised. She said she misses Cat and Cat 2, especially when she sees her friends' cats.
I gave her a little nudge I suppose but i felt it was time i asked her what else she missed besides the cats...so I did.

She replied with various things like my cousin, our mechanic, rituals we used to have, familiar surroundings, her old job at times... she mentioned she watches Golden Girls, a show we used to watch late night together. She said it makes her feel safe watching it...whatever that means.

So I decided to point blank ask her..."have you ever once thought about coming home?"

She said...(this is her actual cut and pasted reply)

"Hard question to answer but I will. Yes there have been times when I have thought about that possibility. But I think often times those thoughts are misleading. Like...when things are hard or on down days. There are times I've thought of running home. But I have changed a lot. I wouldn't want to get into it for the security of it all. I challenge myself now and it feels good to be my own boss. But of course. I will always love you. I just ugh... It's complicated. Lol"

I decided at this point that I would make a move. So I subtly explained to her that it wouldn't be about security. It would have to be different now with us. That she has options if she chose to do that. I basically put her on the spot and said I need to know now if possible reconciliation is even in her head or not now. I basically told her that I don't want the possibility of reconciliation to even occupy any of my brain space if she didn't see that happening ever...so I wanted to know. She replied...again a cut and paste here...

"It's nice to read that. And I wish it was that easy. But it's not. I've been building a life here that you know nothing about. I too miss you but I don't try to pretend that I don't. I'm honest about all of my emotions now. But I miss all the good stuff. What stops me from allowing that to take me over is remembering all those nights I felt so alone. All the times I begged you to support my thoughts and feelings. It all became about you. Not all your fault cuz I let it happen. But I need my life to be about me. I'm more confident. Yet I have a lot more work to do.
I am also in a relationship now. We are going really slow. But I'm enjoying it. You and I had a lot of years to get it right... The thing we always did get right was our friendship. I don't know what else to say except it's nice to finally read some truth from you. Cuz I miss you too. Let's just sit with this for a while. I don't want to hurt right now."

Now this was the first I'd heard about a new relationship so I replied telling her that first off I see you're still thinking about all the bad things with us...the very things that wouldn't be a second time around...HOWEVER... I had no idea you were involved with someone and if I did know that I never would've wasted my time with this reconciliation talk. I also said I don't think it's a good idea that we talk if you're in a relationship. I wish you can him the best of luck.
She replied that she was driving now and would write more later. I replied with that there was no need to write more because I've heard all I need to hear. That was the last contact I had with her until my Mom's death 3 months later in January.

Then I get the text from her about my Mom's death. Her condolences, how she can't stop crying because she loved my Mom. That she was horrified that I had to be there when my Mom collapsed and died and that I witnessed it. She said picturing me witnessing that disturbed her greatly. She mentioned how she knew how good I took care of my Mom, etc etc.
I thanked her for all the years she helped me with my Mom and that my Mom loved her too, etc etc.

Here is her reply to that cut and pasted...

"You don't have to thank me. That's what mature adults do when they care about one another. When I heard the news I immediately started to lose my [censored]. The thought of you having to be there and witness that...well let's just say it disturbed me greatly. I know you and I know what great care you always took of your mom. And the bond between you. I could picture the whole thing in my mind and started to pray for you. If I was home I would have been there with you A.S.A.P. However things being... this is the best I can do. Just know that there is one person out there that understands exactly what you are going through. You have a tough exterior but I know the man behind the mask. So my friendship is here if you need it. Sister-in-law called and said if you need help going through your mom's place she would help. My mother has extended the same offer. You shouldn't do this alone. So please at the least bring one of your cute girlfriends with you or my mom. My mother is very good at dealing with these things. One thing to keep in mind is your mom wanted to be with your Step-Dad more than anything else after he passed. Now they are together and I would bet money they have set up a casino in heaven. They are probably having dinner with my grandparents. Hugs hugs and more hugs!"

At this point I was still upset about my Mom and I sensed the whole friendship tone of her message so I decided to withdraw from engaging conversation anymore and simple replied with thanking her again for her concern and condolences and to stay well... basically subtly ending conversation. She took the hint and never replied back but her Mom showed up at my work with a nice gift bag for me and a condolences card. That was very nice of her although a bit awkward and obscure from my point of view since I haven't laid eyes on my WAW's Mom in nearly two years now... but a nice lady just the same.

Then silence for another month until I get hit with yet another tragedy. Our cat, Cat, died about 10 days ago. I came home from work and found him dead. It was heartbreaking after 16 years with Cat. Of course WAW catches wind of it and in comes the text from her. Again how sad or made her that Cat died. How just because we're not married anymore doesn't mean she doesn't have great regret especially at tragic times like this.

This time I was very brief with her. She asked if I was okay. I said I am fine thank you. She said do you want to talk about it. I said no I am good but thanks for your concern. She asked if I was sure because she could be a very good friend. I said no thanks I'm all set but thanks for your concern. I told her to have a weekend... hoping she'd catch the hint I didn't want to talk to her. Apparently she did because she responded with only "you too."

That was the last I heard from her and that last convo was 8 days ago.

So that's my update...sorry it's so long but I had a lot of bad stuff happen... this after my brother's death last year which I'm sure is documented back in this thread somewhere...so I had to update on lots of WAW activity.